The Chocobo Effect
by Nobody Famous
Summary: Many stories tell of how Cloud goes back in time and tries to save everyone and change things for the better by fulfilling his dream of becoming SOLDIER. "Cloud? Where are you going? Midgar's the other way. Cloud? CLOUD!" This isn't one of them. CRACK
1. Chapter 1

Ladies and gentlemen, presented for your consideration: a "Cloud goes back in time" story...done the only way I know how.

**THE CHOCOBO EFFECT**

_The theory of the "butterfly effect" is defined as a phenomenon in which a small change at one place can have larger effects somewhere else. The butterfly effect falls in line with the chaos theory—commonly explained through use of a metaphor in which butterflies are believed to be able to create storms, hurricanes, and drastic weather changes on the other side of the world with a simple movement of their wings._

_What the metaphor fails to explain is that for all their world-changing abilities, butterflies are simply amateurs in utilizing the powers of the chaos theory._

_The results of what happens when a MASTER makes such an attempt is a whole different story..._

* * *

Cloud knew something was up when he woke up at a gas station in the middle of nowhere. Perhaps the fact that this gas station was supposed to have been destroyed during the Meteor incident a few years back was a clue.

That he could see Midgar off in the distance—whole and looking as though it HADN'T been decimated by a giant Meteor summoned by an emotionally-stunted mamma's boy with the power and insanity to attempt to destroy the world was probably an even bigger indicator.

So Cloud quickly came to the realization that he was in the past.

Or that he was hallucinating again.

He pinched his arm.

Nothing happened to change the scenery around him and he now sported a bruise on his arm, so he was fairly certain that what he was seeing was quite real. Somehow or other, he had ended up in the past.

He just didn't know why...or how. The last thing he remembered was a green light, sinister cackling, and the phrase "submit story" that for some reason made him shudder, though he didn't understand why—but wisely chose not to think about it.

All the same, there was no real explanation for what he was doing there a decade earlier than he was supposed to be.

Maybe it was the effects of a materia gone wrong? Maybe Aerith was trying to help him get over his survivor's guilt and cornucopia of other issues and deep-rooted emotional problems by giving him a chance to work things out in an interactive environment? Maybe the Planet itself was too damaged from the whole fiasco with Sephiroth and Jenova and the giant flaming Meteor of total destruction and annihilation, and sent him back in order to defend itself before it was put in danger of death by summoned falling rock? Or maybe someone up there just felt like screwing with him? A lot of people did—Sephiroth, Rufus, some Japanese video game company in another reality—so it really wouldn't be that out of the ordinary.

And to be honest, that last one seemed to be the most likely in this case.

But all the same, whatever the reason—and there was no clear reason as far as Cloud could discern—he just suddenly woke up one morning and found himself in the past, at the point where he's first heading for Midgar. Back before he ever met Zack, became part of the regular army, or even joined Shinra in the first place.

That meant none of it ever happened. None of it—even the "weakling Cloud" reputation he had in the ranks. He had a fresh start and a chance to do things differently!

He could change it!

He could change EVERYTHING!

...

Cloud smiled and began walking towards the rising sun. Yes, he decided. This would be a great chance.

The kindly driver who had helped bring Cloud this far paused in the middle of gassing up his truck, frowning in confusion when he realized Cloud was walking in the complete opposite direction of where he had originally asked to go.

"Hey, Cloud? Where are you going? Midgar's the other way. Cloud? CLOUD!"

Cloud ignored him and continued on.

* * *

Some may consider Cloud's reasoning to be selfish. Others would think him crazy. Many would probably see this entire thing as a great waste of time, which begs the question as to why they are reading fanfiction in the first place?

All the same, Cloud had no intention of going to Midgar. Sure, seeing Aerith and Zack and the others alive would be nice, but he had no desire to go to Shinra and enlist in the army. There was just no way he was going through all THAT again.

He had a second chance. And as the now less angsty and no longer emo hero who had worked so hard to save the world previously in what was now an alternate timeline, Cloud felt that he should take advantage of this opportunity to do what he's always wanted to do.

That begged a very important question, though...

What DID he want to do?

Preferably something that had as little to do with Shinra, SOLDIER, mad scientists, mind-controlling aliens, and psychotic ex-generals as possible.

Sure, being a super badass fighter who totally confused the heck out of everyone he previously knew—or in most cases only vaguely heard of—would be fun and hilarious to watch. And kicking Sephiroth's ass was always enjoyable—though likely wouldn't be as emotionally fulfilling this time given that this is PRE-Oedipus-complex Sephiroth, meaning he's currently a good guy and Cloud—as the saviour of the Planet and all—still has that one little something that the Turks got rid of upon first attaining their suits, Rufus strangled years ago, and Hojo never had to begin with: a conscience.

Damn annoying little thing. Not letting him go around and kill people for the fun of it.

But all the same, he certainly didn't want to go to Shinra and try to join SOLDIER. Or risk doing anything else to gain their attention as a possible specimen for the Science Department. And sure, killing Hojo would be fun—and very, very satisfying—but then what? Spend the rest of his life on the run?

...Again?

Yeah, he had enough of that the first time around, thank you very much. And while Zack wouldn't be there this time to possibly die in another deeply-moving, tragic last stand—for which Cloud was quite grateful, even if it meant it was only because his 'doomed moral victor' friend was not currently his friend at this point in time and would have no reason to perform such a heroic sacrifice for his sake—he still didn't like the idea of having to dodge bullets everywhere he went, so that option was out. But still, that begged the question as to what else he could do? He was a fighter. Fighting was what he knew. It was what he was good at.

Was there anything else he was good at?

He paused for a moment to consider this.

* * *

_Much unlike the aforementioned butterflies, some scientists have come to believe that Chocobos have a method of affecting the world around them in quite important and drastic—though rather strange and unusual—ways, oftentimes without even having to make much effort to bring about such change. The hypothesis here is that not only can Chocobos create vastly different effects from simple and seemingly insignificant initial conditions in a manner much like their butterfly compatriots, but unlike the butterflies, Chocobos can actually control for all the unknown variables and determine the outcome they wish to occur. They're just that good at what they do._

_It is probably for this very reason that it should be considered fortunate for everyone involved that Cloud Strife has been believed by most to be at least part Chocobo._

_Granted, that is mostly because of his hair, but the point remains valid all the same._

_

* * *

_

Bill was a portly, middle-aged man who had seen his fair share of strange things. But as he stared at the blond kid standing calmly and patiently in front of him...honestly, he didn't know what to think. "You want a job?" He clarified.

"Yes, sir." The boy replied with a resolute nod.

This was unusual. Not many people actually came by asking to work on a lowly farm when Midgar—home of Shinra and all the "great opportunities" was not that far into the distance. He scratched his head in bewilderment, but wisely decided not to press the issue. Help was help, after all.

"Well," Bill hesitated, "have you ever worked with Chocobos before?"

Cloud grinned.

ChocoBill would never know what hit him.

Neither would the world.

* * *

AN: Yes, I invoked the knowledge of the tropes. All hail the tropes!

So, as a bit of a parody of the whole "time travel" plotline because, lets face it, there are quite a lot of them, and they all seem to involve Cloud going back to working for Shinra and usually—though not always—trying to get into SOLDIER and somehow meeting up with/befriending/becoming the love interest of various people he did and/or did not know previously. So there's the question of how different things would be if he tried something completely off the wall.

And thus came the concept of "Chocobo Farmer Cloud". One wouldn't think he'd change much of anything in the past from such a position, but then again, this IS Cloud and these ARE Chocobos involved in this situation.

So obviously, this WILL be crack. Delicious, nutritious crack.

Posted: September 19, 2010


	2. Chapter 2

AN: This chapter is mostly exposition. Crack or not, we have to at least explain a bit of what goes on with Cloud for him to get to where we want him to be for the good stuff to start. Otherwise, it won't make any sense. Not that crack does, but all the same.

* * *

**How to Train Your Chocobo**

It's one of the basics of working on a farm for Chocobos: you need to know how to care for one. One of the first aspects of that care is knowing how to catch one. Not only did this allow one to be better able to get a Chocobo of a particular quality without having to pay a large amount of money, but one could also be the person selling a Chocobo of particular quality for said large amount of money.

Either way, it's a win-win and thus something that needed to be known if one was going to be raising Chocobos.

And so, Cloud was taken out into the "field" to test his ability. His handler and witness in this excursion was another hired hand by the name of "Eddie", who honestly had better things to do with his time than walk a newbie through the basic steps. After all, the blond was just a country boy from a mountain town that had a Mako reactor—and thus nothing else. What could he possibly know about Chocobos?

Unless he happened to be some world-adventuring hero who had to utilize Chocobos along his quest to save the world from some alien life-form and her emotionally-stunted "son" and who somehow ended up mysteriously and inexplicably being sent back in time for no real reason to a point before any of the events that defined their world could occur...but what were the odds of that?

What happened next should be obvious to those who know better, but Eddie, sadly, was not one of them and thus was humorously left out of the loop.

With a small sigh and a barely-heard mutter about "friggin' noobs", Eddie handed Cloud the Chocobo Lure materia and pretty much told him to get to it. Cloud blinked at him a couple of times before looking down at the materia. He stared for a moment, causing Eddie to mentally groan that this would take all day. Cloud took a breath, then with a slow exhale, he triggered the materia.

All that they could do now was wait.

Except that it wasn't even a full minute that the materia had been activated before a Chocobo came along and immediately began nuzzling up to Cloud. It was clearly very weak—at least to one who was able to differentiate between them like Bill and Eddie could—but it should still normally take much longer to call even that type out. And even then, they weren't normally so...affectionate, if the way the bird cooed while trying to cuddle with the blond was any indication.

Eddie stared disbelievingly at the scene as Cloud began petting the yellow bird. After shaking off the surprise, he gave a huff. "Well, I guess that's not bad. At least you managed to summon a Chocobo."

He was cut off by the arrival of a second Chocobo.

"...Two Chocobos."

Then a third arrived, this one of good quality.

Eddie blinked. "But there aren't even any of that variety around here!"

Apparently, logistics didn't seem to matter anymore as a fourth came soon afterwards, clearly of wonderful status.

"Oh, come on!"

It was like adding further insult when a green Chocobo came onto the scene and began trying to force its way through the other four for a petting from the blond.

"Now you're just showing off." Eddie pouted, arms crossed.

Cloud smiled, but didn't deny it.

* * *

"So..." Bill couldn't stop himself from gaping. "What's the final tally?"

"Two weaks, five poors, seven fairs, three goods, two greats, a wonderful, and a green Chocobo." Eddie replied, counting them off from the paper he had to write the numbers on when he started losing track in his head.

"Green?"

"Cloud says it can cross mountains."

A long pause.

Bill stared at the younger man. "Are you kidding me?"

"No, I checked. It can. And I pinched myself to make sure I wasn't under any status effects. This actually happened." Eddie shook his head, disbelieving. "He just activated the materia and not even a minute later, they start coming from all directions wanting him to PET them."

"But...I thought this area didn't have anything besides weak and poor types. And usually all yellow and not of other colors."

"It doesn't." Eddie deadpanned.

ChocoBill just stared at the group for several long moments.

Nervously, Eddie coughed. "Um...sir? Which ones do we keep?"

"What do you mean 'which ones'? We just hit the motherload here!"

"I know that, but...we only have six stalls and an open area that could comfortably fit four to five more. And some of those spots are already taken. There's no way we could possibly keep them all."

ChocoBill looked like he wanted to cry.

Cloud smirked to himself as he overheard them and had to struggle not to laugh. Honestly, the whole thing was ridiculously easy—with emphasis on ridiculous, because Cloud was certainly not expecting THAT many to show up, or for so many of them to be such high status. It was a shame to have to send most of them away, but Bill's farm only had room for so many, and there were already others being held there for other customers' use.

At least until Bill decided that they'd release the weaker ones and temporarily crowd the stalls and open area until they could sell a few of the others the next day. Then they could use the money to buy materials to set up another few stalls so that something like this wouldn't happen again—nevermind that it shouldn't have happened in the first place. Cloud didn't really mind any of it or the prospect that he would have to help in building these new stalls. As far as he was concerned, it was just work, and construction had the added benefit of giving him a chance to work out a bit in his now younger body—was it younger? Honestly, he couldn't be sure. He pretty much looked the same...except maybe a bit shorter.

All in all, it was a productive first day.

* * *

The second aspect of caring for Chocobos—or any pet for that matter—is cleaning up after them. This is something that Cloud discovered the second day of his new job/alternate life path/attempt to give the finger to whatever higher power governed fate.

It was not a pleasant discovery, as he entered the wooden barn dressed in green overalls and carting a shovel only to be hit with the sight—not to mention the smell—of six very unclean stalls with a number of less than pleased birds. They were tired, they were hungry, they were crowded, and with that many of them clumped together in one space, they were also standing in a mess. So overall, the Chocobos were cranky, irritable, and just not all that willing to let Cloud do what he needed to without making some serious fuss.

Part of him wondered whether it was still worth continuing with this selfish, more peaceful path instead of joining Shinra's military like he had last time.

This thought-line lasted for all of a minute before he remembered just what the cadet dorms were like, and realized that the compact, smelly stalls were actually an improvement—and at least he was only cleaning after the animals living in here rather than actually living and sleeping in the area, himself. He shuddered, remembering his previous experience.

One might say that the state of the dorms in Shinra was meant to prepare the cadets for the harsh conditions they would face and teach them how to adapt to a multitude of different environments they would have to work and survive in.

That might have actually been the case had this been any military OTHER than Shinra's—which, rather than be formed to protect people and keep the peace, was made simply to make money and keep people in line, with the former being the primary goal and the latter just a side-project made to ensure the former. And since the whole point of Shinra was to make money rather than protect people—unless those people had money or were otherwise deemed useful or important enough to the company—it wasn't necessarily uncommon for certain things to be skipped, neglected, and outright ignored when it came to the low-level members of the company's military hierarchy. After all, they were simply grunts. There are thousands of them, all exactly alike-unless they are later revealed to be a main character. What's the harm in cutting a few corners?

Except that "a few corners" ended up entailing just about every aspect of their stay there. Their living areas and dorms were in the oldest, most decrepit part of the building where the white paint on the walls was yellow, the electricity only worked half the time, the water was always a few degrees above freezing, and either something was moving inside the walls or the ceiling was fixing to cave in on them. Plus there was that "stain" on the wall in one of the rooms that couldn't be explained or removed, but had a shape to it that looked suspiciously like the body of one of the building workers who went "missing" during construction. The classrooms weren't so bad, except that they were taught by "teachers" who spent more of their time picking at particular students they didn't like than they did teaching the class as a whole—Cloud certainly found himself on the receiving end of that treatment often enough. They didn't have their own training rooms and gyms, but had to share with the higher level members of the military, which was okay in that the area and equipment were always in good condition, but annoying in that the higher level members always got first pick of the areas and equipment within, leaving the cadets with whatever was left—which was rarely much. Then there was the much-dreaded cafeteria...where the goop the workers called "food" was not only barely considered edible, but would sometimes gurgle and dissolve whatever utensil some hapless cadet poked at it with.

That's not counting a couple of times where the cook got particularly inventive and the concoction ended up forming a will of its own. The night that what was supposed to be mac and cheese started growing tentacles was the night that Cloud decided to leave early and either find a better place to eat in the future or learn to cook himself—over a mini camp fire outside, if he had to.

It should be noted that leaving that night when he did probably turned out to be a very wise decision on his part, as the living food started getting out of hand to the point that they had to call in the Soldier Firsts. Several castings of fire materia and not a few high-pitched screams of horror and mortification later, and the problem was contained—though not without a number of sexual complaints being filed afterwards.

Thus, it was clear that not only did the grunts have the hardest time, but they were also paid the least for some of the most menial, obscure, degrading, and oftentimes dangerous work in the cases that required some extra meatshields to needlessly die—and for their deaths to be mostly disregarded and swept under the table as "collateral damage"—for the sake of the more important people. Like Heidegger.

And Hojo.

Thinking back on all that and comparing it to his current position, it was evident that he was quite better off where he was—even with the "dirtier" aspects of the job. At least here he had a warm bed, working electricity, warm water, and plenty of free space to train as he wished—as well as plenty of monsters to train AGAINST as he wished. Oh, and lets not forget the food. REAL food. As in an actual "warm, home-cooked meal" food and not the "did you mistake the science department's newest specimen for tonight's dinner AGAIN?" variety.

How the hell did a baby Malboro get mistaken for mac and cheese, anyway?

Cloud sighed, deciding not to think about it as he got started on cleaning out the Chocobo stalls.

It was still better than dealing with what he knew would be waiting for him at Shinra. Boy, he was glad he decided to stay out of that one.

* * *

It should be noted at this time that for every world and reality, there are certain all-powerful omnipotent entities that govern them. These higher powers usually had a "certain way" they wanted things to turn out. In most cases, these ways are meant to keep balance. Oftentimes, it is to protect and preserve the world as we know it. And yes, sometimes, it's just because they thought it would be funny. Hilarious, actually, and some of these entities are major jerks like that.

All in all, though, certain things are expected to happen certain ways. Zack is expected to die. Sephiroth is expected to go crazy. Rufus is expected to be badass. Sasuke is expected to be emo—oh wait, wrong series. But it still applies.

And yes, Cloud is expected to save the world. And if for whatever reason he should happen to go back in time, he is expected to save the world from needing to be saved—as confusing as it sounds.

Except Cloud wasn't fulfilling these expectations. And that was a problem.

There have been some cases where things start to deviate from what the higher powers wish. Maybe Tidus didn't want to fall into the whirlpool and experience questions of an existential nature? What if Squall wanted to be a friendly people-person and not end up creating a time paradox that essentially screwed himself over and caused the emotional issues he had to try and overcome throughout the majority of his adventure? And maybe the Warrior of Light just wanted to stay home and bake cookies? You ever think of that, Chaos? Did you?

To this effect, they had contingency plans able to be put in place to make sure that things go this "certain way". Some would call this fate. Others know it as destiny. And many more would simply shrug and say it is meant to be.

But in actuality, it is just a matter of said entity being a whiny little bitch and throwing a tantrum when they don't get their way.

And thus, there are backup plans.

In this case, Aerith would be the first of said "plans".

* * *

AN: And that's it for this chapter. It probably doesn't seem like much just yet, but trust me, there is more to this. After all, there'd be no point to writing this out if nothing comes of it and the world gets destroyed because nobody was there to stop Sephiroth. And I'm certainly not the kind of author who would write something like that.

Or am I...?

No. No, I'm not. Because that would be boring, and what I've got planned is much funnier.

And yes, I added in a jab at Crisis Core. Can anyone blame me? How are we supposed to tell these people are younger? They certainly don't look it.

Posted: September 26, 2010


	3. Chapter 3

Some of you have been demanding to know whether the last chapter, with the blatant foreshadowing that indicates there is more to come, is where this story ends.

Yes, people, the second chapter was where the story ended. Because after that, Cloud gave in to his destiny, joined Shinra, and became Sephiroth's sex toy, much like most of the other "Cloud goes back in time" plots.

Then the author was mercilessly killed by angry readers and replaced with a better author who stuck to the original idea of Cloud doing something different and fun.

And there was much rejoicing.

...And pie.

It is probably at this point that I should say I am sorry it took me so long to finish this chapter. That would be a lie. Because if I had gone and posted this sooner, you would have ended up reading a *gasp!* FLASHBACK chapter! A short one. That likely made no sense whatsoever and probably had nothing to do with anything else that would occur. OH TEH NOES!

Or I could have gotten bored with this story and gone with what was written in the first paragraph there. So be grateful, readers. BE GRATEFUL.

**Snake on a Plane**

It has been made clear that there are higher powers with a "Plan"—and that's plan with a capital "P", here—and that said Plan was centered around Cloud, who was currently messing up said Plan by helping out on a Chocobo farm instead of going to join up with Shinra and dealing with the angst of seeing Zack and Aerith and all the people he could not save—and likely ending up in bed with is former, pre-crazy enemy or involved in a threesome that would likely make the fangirls very happy but is not the reason Cloud is here...or the rest of us for that matter. So with Cloud ignoring their wishes to save the world that had already been saved before it NEEDED to be saved because he wanted to do something completely inane instead, those higher powers have begun the process to set things into motion to get that Plan back on track.

That, however, is going to take a while, as the Powers That Be are lazy bastards—much like a certain fanfiction author who takes a month to post a chapter. So for now, lets instead focus on "fun time".

And what a fun time it was. In addition to catching and caring for Chocobos on the farm, Cloud could take them out for rides as well—usually to help in completing various tasks on the ranch or running errands for ChocoBill's wife, Betty. She was a very sweet woman who cooked wonderful meals and kept doting on him in little ways. It was nice to be doted on, and not in a hero-worshipping fanboy or "omg bishie" fangirl way. She had a tendency to either make or buy him new clothes and things—such as the overalls; he actually really liked those overalls—so he felt he should at least put in some effort to help her out when he could as well.

Sometimes, though, he had some free time and nothing to do, so he was able to take one of the Chocobos out for a joy ride just for fun and to see how fast they could run. ChocoBill didn't complain since it kept the birds fit and healthy. Eddie didn't complain since it gave him less to deal with. And Cloud, of course, wasn't complaining, since it at least allowed him to get out.

It was a bit nostalgic, as the experience reminded him somewhat of Fenrir. He missed his bike. Chocobos may be able to run quickly, but it just wasn't the same—the ride was smoother on the bike, for one. And he could go much faster.

Oh, and being able to pull out a giant badass sword from multiple hidden compartments in the bike and completely freak out any would-be attackers was a plus, too. It just wasn't possible to hide such a weapon on a Chocobo, even if he DID have First Tsurugi with him here in the past.

Which reminded him: he missed his sword, too. Because the look on Sephiroth's face when the sword split and he found himself surrounded by all six blades at once before being taken down by Omnislash Version 5? Priceless. Absolutely priceless. Like Mastercard commercial style priceless. And it still put a grin on his face every time he remembered it. A creepy, almost maniacal grin that was almost somewhat similar to Zack's when he got an "idea". Yes, it may have taken many days full of migraines, backaches, cuts, smashed fingers, muscle pains, lack of sleep, and at times near-homicidal frustration, but it was completely worth it simply for that one moment.

He smiled, losing himself in his memory until he was forcibly dragged back to reality by a feathered head nudging him in a bid for his attention. He blinked as he snapped out of it and remembered that he still had a return trip to make. Giving the Chocobo a pat—and getting a happy "Kweh!" in response—he saddled up and began heading back for the farm.

No, riding a Chocobo was very different from riding his motorcycle. But though the experience wasn't quite the same, it was still something, and that was part of the reason why he made a request of Billy a week later.

"You want to go to Gold Saucer to RACE CHOCOBOS?"

Mostly, though, he just really wanted that black Chocobo.

* * *

One hour-long lecture later when a simple "no" could have sufficed, Cloud was left sulking—BROODING, dammit!—from his position on the unfinished roof of the new barn they were building. Hammering in new planks to make up a roof seemed to be very therapeutic. Smashing anything in with something heavy usually did. He wasn't angry at Bill—not really, as the man did have a point. But that didn't make the situation any less irritating—and honestly, the guy could have found a nicer, SHORTER way of saying "we can't afford it right now".

Still, now that he was in a good position to think, he needed to come up with something else to do in his free time. Because lets face it, while defying his former past was fun; living on a small, quaint farm and doing little more than cleaning up after other people's pets would get boring. And Gaia knows what happens when super-powered soldiers get bored.

Zack hot-wiring the PA system to play a distinct tune every time the Turks are in the area was one such example. Though how the hell he managed that STILL had Shinra maintenance workers scratching their heads. Tseng seemed to like it, though—even if he wouldn't admit it out loud.

Sephiroth attempting to destroy the world could be considered another.

Personally, Cloud wondered if it actually wasn't due to any effort on Hojo's part or even Jenova's control that had caused that previous world crisis in the former future as much as it was simply that Sephiroth had no life to speak of and went crazy from the years of following a strict, fun-lacking schedule every day.

All work and no play makes Sephiroth a dull boy, right?

Besides, all the OTHER Soldier Firsts had things to occupy their time. Well, more like obsessions in a few cases. Genesis had Loveless. Angeal had his honor and his role as a mentor to keep him busy. And Zack actively MADE things to occupy himself whenever he got bored—much to the fear of everyone on Shinra's cleaning staff.

And then there was Hojo—who while not being a super-powered warrior, was still just as terrifying, as things would tend to "mysteriously disappear only to be never spoken of again" whenever HE got bored. And those "things" were usually people.

Yeah...so while it may have just been the effects of Shinra in general rather than craziness due to boredom, Cloud really didn't want to take those chances. So, much like the other Firsts had to find things they enjoyed doing to keep themselves entertained, Cloud too needed a hobby or just something to work on in his free time.

And breeding Chocobos to travel the world seemed like a worthwhile project. Maybe some part of him just couldn't really let go of his previous adventures completely. Maybe it was that he now knew where all the best materias, weapons, and special areas were and how to get to them with the least trouble. And without Shinra constantly hounding him or having to worry about how much longer they had before a giant meteor destroyed all life on the planet. Either way, there was breeding and adventuring to be had that should keep him plenty busy.

So that led to a problem. Cloud wanted to breed the special world-traveling Chocobos so he could be able to do more traveling than just what it took to get to Midgar and back. In order to do that, he had to raise others of specific types and build up their strength. To be able to raise them to the point where they would be capable of bearing the stronger offspring, he needed to go to Gold Saucer to race them. But Gold Saucer was expensive—ridiculously so, and ChocoBill just didn't have the funds for a trip there, much less for the entry fee into the park itself. And Cloud's paycheck for working for the farmer was even more limited—given that they were also giving him room and board—plus food. Really good, "not to be confused for monsters" food. So he wasn't about to complain about not being paid enough. It still beat Shinra and he'd been paid even less there—though he suspected the reason for that was that his superiors were likely skimming off the top of all the cadets' earnings in addition to everything else he had to deal with at the time.

Lousy bastards...

So to get what he wanted, he needed two things. The first was money—both for entry into the park and enough to get him and his cargo across the ocean and back. The second thing he needed was to find some extra help for Bill to make up for his absence—however long it may be, seeing as how it was all too easy for Cloud to lose track of time, especially when it came to side quests. Now, ChocoBill had done well enough without him around before, but with the sudden influx of charges to care for—thanks to Cloud's affinity with all things cute and feathery—and the continued need for expansion of the farm to house them all, they would have a really hard time of it if one of the stronger main workers left on a trip to an amusement park.

The first thing to do right now was to gather the funds, he supposed. After all, no point trying to get someone to fill in for him until he was sure he could get there, right? He just needed a way of earning extra money. He remembered having plenty of gil in the future, though most of that was gained from his delivery service and from fighting and slaying the multitude of monsters that would randomly attack.

Cloud paused at that. "I wonder if I still have my former strength?"

Well, at least there were ways to find out...

From his position a few feet away, Eddie suddenly shivered, though he couldn't understand why. When he turned to his partner in setting up a roof for the new barn, he groaned, not liking the look in Cloud's eyes.

Yes, Eddie is quickly learning what sort of story this is going to be.

* * *

Kunsel knew he was in serious trouble. Worse than anything he'd ever gotten into before. Even that one time he and Zack were put on laundry duty for coming to a training session late and accidentally dyed Rufus's suit pink—funny as it was, at least until they realized it was because they had thrown Genesis's favorite red coat in the wash and ruined it in the process. The Soldier First went on the war-path over the loss and it took all the other Firsts, many Seconds, the entire force of Turks, and a squad of highly-armored yet still totally expendable grunts to use as potential cannon-fodder in order to end the rampage.

They were simple army cadets at the time! How were they supposed to know that you separate whites and colors? Or that you aren't supposed to machine-wash leather?

Lesson learned. They knew never to do THAT again. But at least that situation was resolvable—though it did require them both to get Genesis a new coat. And a first edition signed copy of Loveless.

This, Kunsel realized with a gulp as he stared down a Midgar Zolom, would not be as easily resolved.

When reports first came in that there was trouble along the regular route to the Mythril Mines, Kunsel had figured it was just another Crawler infestation. It was a fairly standard mission: group goes in—consisting of a Soldier Third or two escorted by (or rather escorting) a group of infantry grunts, group exterminates the nests, and they go home.

But then they were only halfway through the marsh when they discovered the "trouble" was actually a giant frigging snake.

And it just so happened that Kunsel was afraid of snakes. And we're talking about the smaller, garden-variety version, much less the giant "swallow you in one gulp" types.

"Snakes...why did it HAVE to be snakes?"

Oh SURE, everyone had laughed about his phobia of the scaly, limbless, hissing, fanged creatures. Look at Kunsel—big, bad Soldier is afraid of harmless little snakes.

At least, he noted to himself with not just a little vindictive satisfaction as he backed up into a large rock formation, he wouldn't be the only one with that fear when this was over.

Of course, that's assuming any of them SURVIVE this encounter.

And from the roar of the giant Zolom, that didn't seem too likely.

It was fairly easy enough for the snake to scatter the group. The men had panicked on their own at the sight of it—and from the sound of it's roar, which Kunsel didn't even know ANY snake could do, but was quickly learning not to expect anything normal in this encounter. Kunsel jumped behind the rock as the rest men ran in different directions, each hoping to not be the first to incur the Zolom's wrath.

Then the poor infantryman unlucky enough to be that first was sent flying and landed in a heap right next to Kunsel with a grunt. Kunsel's eyes widened. Soldier or not, this was not something any of them were capable of handling at this point.

But of course, there's always that one who will try.

"Enough is ENOUGH!" One of the men shouted, angrily. He hefted his rifle and spun around to face the creature. "I have HAD it with this MOTHERFUCKING snake in this MOTHERFUCKING marsh!"

It was rather inspiring seeing him run for the giant snake, guns blazing. Up until the point where the nameless grunt—being nameless and a grunt—was eaten by said giant snake. His efforts were commendable, but sadly, ultimately futile.

He gets points for effort, though.

And that was when Kunsel was fairly positive that they were going to die.

"Guys? What's going on over there?" Came a worried, very familiar voice through the radio. The radio he only just now remembered had been carried by one of the grunts to be brought with them in case they ran into trouble of this very nature that they couldn't handle.

"Zack?" Kunsel briefly wondered why Zack was the one talking to them on the radio. Oh, of course. It's Zack. He probably got bored, went to bug the personnel, then stepped in and took over the radio when things started sounding strange.

Immediately, Kunsel grabbed the device from his fallen comrade—well, meatshield, since the former implies some actual concern or even knowledge of the man's name—and ducked back away from the Zolom (that was fortunately currently more focused on flicking at the other men with its tail), both as an attempt to ease his fear—which wasn't working...at all—and to be able to make himself heard over the sound of the monster's growls, the wild gun fire, and the screams of the men.

Which were NOT girly or high-pitched in ANY way, DAMMIT!

"We've got trouble! There's some giant snake in the marsh attacking us!"

...

"A giant snake?"

"Yes!"

"Like the one you've been saying could exist and we kept telling you it never would?"

"YES!"

...

"You sure this wasn't another one of your snake-phobic night terrors?"

"Zack, it's the middle of the day, I'm not sleeping, and YOU CAN HEAR THE OTHER GUYS SCREAMING!"

"OHGODDESSITSAGIANTSNAKE!"

Pause.

"Oh. Sorry I didn't believe you then. Guess you were right to be so paranoid about the possibility of one of the little things mutating and growing into a giant monster." Zack laughed nervously on the other end.

Kunsel muttered darkly to himself. "Nice to know you admitted I was right just when I'm about to die!"

"Don't say that! You're a Soldier! You'll make it!"

As another one of the grunts was sent flying, Kunsel swallowed, fearfully.

"No, Zack, I don't think we are."

"No! Just hang on, we're sending help now!"

Kunsel gave a sad sigh. He knew full well that help would likely arrive much too late to do any good for any of them.

"No..."

This was it for him. These would be his final moments.

"Zack, I may not make it."

Whatever he said here may very well be the last thing he would ever be able to say. And as Zack would be the only one there to hear it, it was only fair that he addressed his final words to him. Especially since there was something he had wanted to tell Zack for some time now.

"So I have to tell you..."

At the very least, he felt he had to tell him the one secret he had kept from his friend for so long...

"Zack..."

No matter what the consequences may be.

"I'm..."

And hope that his admission would be enough to let him pass on without regret.

"I'm the one who stole your helmet."

...

...

*SHNICKT!*

"What?"

Kunsel winced at the exclamation. He knew Zack wouldn't take it well, but at least his imminent demise by a giant limbless reptile's digestive system saved him from the fallout of Zack's discovery of the truth that—if the sound of metal hitting something soft and fleshy was any indication—would likely involve a very stabby death. And saved Kunsel from having to explain why he stole Zack's precious helmet and kept quiet about it for so long, especially after all the detentions, added night patrols, and extra cleaning duty Zack was put through for the loss—that subsequently gave Zack plenty of knowledge of the inner workings of the Shinra building to be able to successfully set up a multitude of evil plots that he liked to call "pranks".

But then again, that is what first made Angeal notice Zack and consider mentoring him on honor and responsibility, so it wasn't ALL bad, right?

All the same, Zack was one to act on his feelings over logic often enough. And if he was angry, it was all the more so. Even if Zack TOTALLY deserved it for making fun of Kunsel's snake phobia. That was why he figured what he was hearing was the sound of Zack pulling out his sword and going into a rage over discovering his friend's betrayal.

At least until the spray of what was probably blood and snake juices hit him as the snake's giant head fell away from the rest of the body, and Kunsel suddenly noticed that there was a green overall-wearing blond kid standing in front of him with a sword that looked almost as long as he was tall. There was also some random guy standing next to a Chocobo some distance away yelling something about "crazy clouds" who clearly hadn't been there a minute ago, but he wasn't as notable.

He stared.

Blinked.

Stared some more.

Blinked twice.

Then Kunsel rubbed his eyes to see if he had imagined the whole thing out of complete and total fear.

Nope. The snake was still headless and very much dead and the kid was still standing there, his hair blowing slightly in the wind that had mysteriously started to pick up at the perfect moment for dramatic emphasis on his badassery.

Kunsel stared in awe.

And blinked.

Then the author remembered that this bit had been done just a moment before and begrudgingly moved the plot along.

But not before a little more staring on the part of Kunsel and the few remaining—if not still somewhat injured and unsteady—grunts who were slowly but surely pulling themselves back to their feet.

"Kunsel?"

Which was then interrupted by the disembodied voice.

"Kunsel! You alive?"

Wait—disembodied voice? "Huh?" Kunsel wondered for a moment and nearly smacked himself when he suddenly realized the radio was still on. "Zack?"

"Hey, what was that you said?" Came the voice on the other end. "I couldn't hear anything over the sound of metal hitting something fleshy. What happened?" This is, of course, completely ignoring that the other had been pretty close to dying only moments before.

But you know...details.

"Uh...nothing. I didn't say anything!"

"I'm pretty sure I heard you say something. What about my helmet?" He'd gotten completely chewed out for losing that darn thing. Not to mention the weeks of lectures about "being irresponsible" and the extra duties he had to take on to make up for it.

Kunsel paled. Zack may have been considered a "puppy" by those who knew him, but much like a dog, he had a real bite when he got angry. And that bite didn't NEARLY have as much to do with his fighting ability as it did the pranks he would pull when he got particularly creative. And he tended to get 'particularly creative' when he was especially angry. "I didn't say helmet! I said...Hel...mint. Yeah, mint. I like Hel Mint."

"Oh...okay."

Luckily, the puppy was also very gullible.

"Anyway, it looks like we're all fine now and not gonna die, so I'll just...talk to you later then..."

"...Yeah..."

And with that, the awkward conversation ended...

Kunsel shut off the radio and turned to face the group's unexpected savior with a relieved smile. "Hey! Thanks for the help. We would have been goners if not for you."

Just in time to start a NEW awkward conversation with the guy who saved their asses who was actually the guy from the future who saved the collective asses of everyone in the world and was now just trying to live a normal, peaceful, non-Shinra-involved life.

Cloud blinked, suddenly realizing that the group he had rescued were actually from Shinra. And included a Soldier as well.

'...Well...crap.'

* * *

And no, for the record, this was not in any way part of the higher power's backup-plan.

The higher power just WISHES it could take the credit for something this cool.

* * *

AN: That's right, Kunsel is part of this, too. I read certain stories that made Kunsel awesome and couldn't help but want to give him a role as well. Except I think I ruined that by giving him Ophidiophobia. Or Herpetophobia if you prefer. Ah well. Indiana Jones was afraid of snakes and he turned out pretty kickass, right? ...Right?

So the bit with Zack's helmet...oh come on! Was I the only one who wondered why Zack seemed to be the ONLY Soldier besides those in First class who didn't wear the darn thing? Then the question becomes why did Kunsel steal it? Partly as revenge for the snake jokes. And the other part? It's actually the main reason for the fear of snakes. Personally, I blame Hojo for that one, but then again, it IS Hojo and he IS pretty much responsible for everything that happens in this series.

And some of you may wonder how was Cloud able to instakill the Midgar Zolom? Lets just say that the question of whether he still has his old strength has been answered in one of two forms: 1) Yes and 2) HELL yes! Some may complain that Cloud is overpowered, to which I respond: Well...yeah. If it makes you feel better, you can take the previous efforts of the infantrymen into account and simply figure that their attacks managed to whittle down the Zolom enough that Cloud was able to finish it off in one hit.

Posted: November 9, 2010


	4. Chapter 4

Once upon a time, there was an author who started up an interesting Final Fantasy 7 fanfiction where Cloud goes back in time and decides to go off the beaten path, becoming a Chocobo Farmer. This story was enjoyed by the readers, and was fairly popular.

Unfortunately, in the midst of writing up the next chapter for this story, the author found a game called "Plants VS Zombies".

And it was good.

So the author has since been attempting to fend off zombie hordes for home and laptop. But as the author played, the fans grew impatient and one of the fate-controlling entities eventually got bored of being lazy and doing nothing, took note of the fans' plight, and proceeded to steal the author's game and hold it for ransom until the author gets back to work.

...Meanie.

So, here's the next update. And yes, Aerith is finally going to appear in this chapter. Since that's all that any of you REALLY care about more than the author's personal woe.

...Meanies.

**In Which the Plans Come Together**

Now, despite the one-liner from Cloud that the narration left off with before the Zolom attack in the previous chapter, it was never actually Cloud's intention to play hero.

Hell, he hadn't even expected to encounter the Midgar Zolom at all—mainly because he had thought he'd still have a few years before the damn thing was supposed to become an issue. Granted, it wasn't nearly as big as it was when he had to deal with it in the future—and certainly not nearly as difficult to handle—but he had thought he'd at least have a few years to not have to deal with the giant symbolic snake monster.

He wouldn't have even been out there at all if he didn't have that delivery to make.

Yes, that's right. Cloud is a delivery boy again.

Now sure, one would think that starting up a delivery service in the past would have been the obvious option for Cloud, given that he had already done so previously in the future and had more than enough knowledge and experience on traversing the world and running a business to pull it off.

Surprisingly enough, this wasn't the case. Cloud hadn't even considered it in his list of ways to make more gil. Probably due to the lack of Fenrir.

So then how did he get back into running one again?

Well, like most things, it started innocently enough—but since nothing is innocent where Cloud is concerned, we should probably instead say that it started unobtrusively enough. Just a few favors here and there to help out with the ranch during the new remodeling and building. Eddie needed some extra lumber for the new stalls. Chocobill needed some more greens and supplies to keep the Chocobos happy. Betty had some pies and goodies she wanted delivered to some friends in Midgar and Kalm, and they, in turn, would want him to deliver goodies or other items of their own to Betty or each other "since he was already heading that way". And of course, he was "such a dear" that they couldn't just let him leave without some form of repayment.

Yes, such are the perks of being a Woobie.

This went on for a while until Eddie, who had not fully learned his lesson about not provoking Murphy yet—or Cloud as the case may be—made the offhanded comment that the blond might as well make his "Chocobo Delivery Service" official.

The creepy way that Cloud's look of complete surprise slowly morphed into one of contemplation was enough to keep Eddie awake for two days straight before he slipped off the roof in a near zombie-like state and knocked himself out.

So thus, a week after Eddie recovered, the Chocobo Delivery Service was officially in business as a side-job while Cloud worked up enough funds for a Chocobo-racing trip. At the very least, it served to get in some training with the birds before the time came to race them. All in all, it was rather fun. He got to keep busy, travel some, meet new people, and all while working towards his true goal of ultimate Chocobo breeding.

Then he had received a job to deliver a number of tools to the workers at the Mythril Mines because their regular suppliers weren't getting through.

Looking back on it now, he probably should have realized the reason for that.

Which leads us to the meeting with the assembled survivors of the Shinra mooks. And Kunsel.

What ensued might have been considered a stare-off of epic proportions had there not been more 'outright gaping' than actual staring on the part of the Shinra meatshields—er, "valued employees". Yeah.

They gaped. Cloud stared.

They continued to gape. Cloud blinked a couple of times.

A minute later, they were still gaping. Cloud scratched the back of his head and wondered if he could perhaps slip away before they came back to their senses and called more attention to him.

Unfortunately, as though they were mind-readers, that thought seemed to get a reaction out of the group.

"That...that was AMAZING!" One of the grunts whose name is not worth noting exclaimed.

"It was nothing. Really."

"How did you DO that?" Chimed in a second. Or was it the same guy? Honestly, Cloud couldn't tell.

"Um...just lucky, I guess."

"'Just lucky'? You got it in one shot!"

"Well, it was distracted and its neck was open. I just took advantage of the opportunity, that's all." Please, PLEASE leave it at that.

"Well, we'd be snake food if it hadn't been for you. We owe you our lives."

"It's okay. Honest." Really, it was. Just don't start asking any personal questions and—

"Are you in Soldier?" Kunsel asked.

...Crud.

"I don't remember seeing you around." The Soldier noted, curiously, able to take charge of the situation now that the object of his ultimate fear was dead...though he did make sure to avoid glancing at the remains and to keep someone else between him and it at all times.

"I'm not in Soldier."

"You sure? But you have the eyes." Damn this man and his curiosity! Who was this guy, the rumor-mill of Shinra?

If only Cloud knew...but whoever this Soldier was, he was expecting an answer and the blond couldn't remain quiet forever.

He wasn't Vincent, after all.

"It's—"

"What is that sword made of?"

"Where'd you learn to fight?"

"How did you get your hair to stand up like that?"

Thank you, timely interruption.

If anything, Cloud was actually grateful for the onslaught of questions from the grunts. Not because their questions were actually any better or less intrusive than Kunsel's, but rather because it cut off any potential "Cloud as a Soldier" suspicions...and plotlines.

"Um..."

Now if he just had a timely interruption to save him from the timely interruption.

Suddenly—thankfully again—there was a crackle over the radio. "Heeeey! Kunsel! You guys! You heading back now or what?"

Cloud couldn't help the smile. It was just like Zack to come to the rescue...even if it was rescuing him from unwanted questions and attention, and that Zack himself wasn't aware of his heroism. Even after being sent to the past and creating an alternate timeline, Zack was still the same.

The men stared, surprised by the sudden endearing smile. Caught off guard, it took Kunsel a few seconds and a couple of fumbles before he turned on the radio, replying an affirmative. "We're heading back now, keep your shoes on!"

"Just wanted to make sure you weren't almost eaten again."

The men shuddered at the reminder of their narrowly-avoided fate.

"Thanks, Zack. Really. We're on our way." And with that, the radio was once again shut off. Chuckling a little to himself, Kunsel turned back to Cloud with a smile and a nod of gratitude. "We have to go back now. Thanks again for the help."

Cloud nodded back, politely and a bit more subdued as he remembered just who he was dealing with...or remembered his lack of knowledge about who he was dealing with. Either works. "You all just take care of yourselves."

"We will. Come on, men!" Kunsel ordered, and the group began to head back to Midgar and the Shinra Headquarters, yapping about their blond saviour and his amazing rescue once they were out of sight and earshot of the man.

"It was so COOL!" One cheered, a bounce in his step.

"That guy's some kinda hero!"

"Think he could give the Commander a run for his money?" A third asked.

"Seems like. And maybe even the General, too!" The second exclaimed.

"No way!" The first laughed.

"I was talking about dramatic entrances." The third replied, dryly.

"Oh..." The other two paused and glanced at each other.

"He still probably could, though."

"No way!"

"Man, no one's ever going to believe this!" A fourth shook his head, still trying to straighten out the events in his head.

"Did anyone notice how his hair seemed to kinda wave in the wind?" Another trooper mentioned aloud, misty-eyed in his hero-worship. "And the way the sun shone on it kinda made him glow?"

Everyone froze, the image of the blond fighter smiling coming back to mind.

There was a long pause as the men glanced between one another.

Kunsel coughed. "We should go. And pretend that statement was never said."

The rest nodded in agreement and continued on in silence for several minutes before one of the other infantrymen suddenly stopped and snapped his fingers in disappointment.

"Aw maaaaaan! I should have gotten his autograph!"

A couple of the others laughed.

"Tough break, dude." One of the others consoled him, not that he was much better.

Kunsel smiled and shook his head. "Don't worry, I'm sure we'll run into—"

That's when Kunsel's eyes shot open in realization.

"I forgot to get his NAME!"

No, the higher powers were not involved in this incident.

That didn't mean they wouldn't use it to their advantage, though...

* * *

"Well, at least that's over." With the Shinra troopers gone, Eddie—who, like most OCs and non-plot-relevant characters, had been ignored up till now—finally approached the blond, Chocobos and the wagon carrying supplies in tow. "Though I still can't believe you took out that thing."

Cloud simply nodded, staring blankly at the fallen snake as he wondered about the implications of killing the giant mutated reptilian monster years before it was technically supposed to exist.

Ah well, if it was anything like its future self, it wouldn't be long before another showed up again anyway.

...Though that did beg a question: how DID that damn thing keep coming back?

Meanwhile, along a side thread that fortunately won't be continued...

[Mommy? When will daddy come home?] A young—though still very large Zolom asked an older, MUCH bigger one.

[If he doesn't return soon, I'll go look for him.] The bigger one assured the child. [Just keep an eye on all your brothers and sisters while I'm gone.] It said, gesturing to the vast cavern covered in eggs that numbered in the millions.

...Very, VERY fortunately.

Almost as if he could sense that they had just bitten the bullet, Eddie sighed. "Well, I guess we should leave and get back to fulfilling your delivery. Right, Cloud?"

Cloud frowned, looking thoughtfully at the remains of the slain creature for a moment.

"Cloud?"

"I wonder what Zolom tastes like..."

Yes, consequences of the Chocobo Effect are far-reaching and wide.

In this case, it came in the form of 15,000 gil in meat and almost 50,000 in snakeskin armor and fashion accessories, starting a new trend throughout the Eastern Continent.

Suffice to say, money for Gold Saucer became a non-issue.

Though they did have to wake ChocoBill up six times after he kept fainting whenever they repeated the news.

* * *

Aerith wasn't schizophrenic. Most people just saw her that way. But that was because they didn't know better.

The fact that she heard voices and could literally sense the life energy of the world they lived on did NOT mean she had mental problems, dammit! And Gaia help the next jerk who said so, or she'd smack him one with her staff.

Aerith gave a sigh as she looked up to the roof of her church. The non-damaged, lacking of a hole roof.

The voices within the lifestream told her things.

They told her about her ancestors and their journeys. They told her about the Calamity and the terror it wrought upon the Planet. They told her about the power of Holy that could prevent the world's destruction.

And right now, they were telling her that there was a reluctant hero to cajole into following his destiny. She didn't quite understand why he needed to join Shinra in order to save the world, especially since Shinra was currently the problem with the world, but they WERE the all-knowing voices from the lifestream, and promptly snapped such to her when she attempted to question them.

"All right, all right! I'll talk to him."

She paused.

"What do you mean 'use your feminine wiles'?"

Another pause.

"I am NOT showing off ANYTHING to ANYONE!"

And apparently, there was a lot to question them about.

The Turk watchdog/bodyguard/stalker wisely decided to pretend not to notice the Ancient talking to herself. And to conveniently ignore what she was saying.

This was probably the best move for all involved.

* * *

So with the money issue taken care of, all that remained was for Cloud to find and train extra help to handle things on the ranch in his place while he went about his Chocobo-racing.

Now normally under these circumstances where he is in need of assistance to complete his goals while in the past, Cloud would turn to one of his future allies—particularly Vincent or Aerith—to help him change the future and save the world.

THIS Cloud, however, didn't care as much about "fixing" anything, but rather focused on more unconventional goals—like having fun.

Thus, it should only make sense that his methods of attaining these goals would be unconventional as well.

And borderline overkill.

Like using a summon monster for hired help.

"Oh my goddess! Someone actually CALLED ON ME!"

Sure, the summon he used was ChocoMog—and if he was going to use any of them for menial labor instead of actual fighting, the Moogle and Chocobo combo was probably the best, not likely to get offended and attempt to kill them all, choice—but it still begged a number of questions.

"What the HELL? How did you...WHY would you do this? How CAN you do this? Aren't summons temporary? And only really useful in battle? Do you even have the MP for this?"

As demonstrated by Eddie, the resident holder of the sanity ball.

And as the resident holder of the sanity ball, his questions over the logistics of this newest development were, of course, ignored. Mog was too busy crying with happiness over someone finally seeing him as useful for something—even chores; the Choco side of the summon was, like most Chocobos, more concerned with nuzzling the Chocobo-headed human; and said human was simply smiling as he nodded sympathetically to the Moogle and petted the Chocobo, acting as though this scene was completely normal.

And who knows? To Cloud, it probably is.

Well, at least they had more help now.

Eddie promptly screamed in frustration and stormed off.

Don't worry, Eddie. You'll adapt with time.

* * *

All things considered, it was bound to happen eventually. There was really no way around it. No, it wasn't a matter of "fate" or "destiny" or anything like that—or at least it wouldn't be if those factors weren't actually directly involved. It was simply a matter of eventuality in that sooner or later, Cloud was going to run into Aerith. It was just one of those things: when you start up a delivery service, you're bound to run into someone you know. The fact that he was continuing to take orders while working on training Mog and Choco before he actually tried heading out to the races would just add to his chances.

He really should have expected it when he kept taking deliveries on the side. He received orders from a number of people to and from a variety of places across the area, and quite a number were specifically centered on, in, or around Midgar. So obviously, it was really only a matter of time before he received a job that brought him close enough to the Ancient girl to allow for contact.

"Cloud."

It was still a bit of a surprise that she recognized him, though.

Now, it should be obvious that some higher power is responsible for this meeting between hero and the past alternate self of his possible love interest who seemingly has all her memories. However, despite the blatant efforts of higher powers attempting to manipulate events, what happens next in this meeting is actually NOT their fault.

...It's Zidane's.

* * *

AN: That's right, we're crossing into Dissidia territory now. What fun we shall have!

Forgive me if it gets confusing. Or strange. Is it strange? *Glances over at Choco and Mog* Yeah...I know this makes little sense, but trust me, there is a reason and intent behind this...really. But if any of you have questions, demands, or want to otherwise point out how certain aspects of this story should not be possible, I would like to remind you all that not only is this based off of a video game, but it is a fanfic parody. In short: it's CRACK, people. The fact that it makes sense at all should be an accomplishment.

Posted: March 23, 2011


	5. Chapter 5

It has recently come to my attention through use of TV tropes that by making Cloud try to have fun like a normal person instead of needlessly wangsting like an emo when given a second chance to change the past, I've possibly made him more in character than most time travel fanfics have so far.

For that, I apologize. This will be corrected immediately.

By going to the OTHER extreme.

WARNING: This chapter is particularly crackish and can be hazardous to anyone who is eating foods, drinking liquids, or currently in a place where silence must be maintained while reading it. As you begin reading, consume nothing and make sure there is no one nearby who will freak out at sudden outbursts. Laughter will be had here at the expense of the innocent. And the not-so-innocent.

* * *

**Where It All Started Going Wrong**

_Perhaps one of the greatest strengths of the Chocobo lies in its appearance. Some would wonder how a giant, non-flight capable bird would have looks as its main strength, but despite how strange it may be, Chocobos have what most like to refer to as "the cuteness factor"._

_Some scientists have speculated that Chocobos came from another world—a pocket dimension of sorts where little pocket-monsters live. In this dimension, an ability of certain pocket-monsters would be that of "charming" or "attracting" an opponent._

_Not only do Chocobos have this ability, but it's a permanent status effect._

* * *

Truth be told, it was all Zidane's fault. And Luneth's. But mostly Zidane's.

To properly explain this, we would need to involve a brief flashback. Please bear with us, as your screen will return to normal color and non-grainy vision momentarily...

During the fight against Chaos and his warriors in the land of Dissidia, the group of ten had at one point gotten into a discussion about their home worlds when Luneth happened to bring up relationships. Namely, the relationships with their respective villains.

There wasn't much to tell for some of them. Cecil and Golbez were brothers. Jecht and Tidus were father and son. Firion was the basic 'rebel hero' to the Emperor's 'evil kingdom plotting to take over the world' plot. Terra didn't remember anything—which was probably for the best if Kefka was brought from her world.

Then they got to Cloud. With the torched village, dead mother, dead best friend who he was mind-fucked into integrating into his own personality in order to stay sane, the years of torture and experimentation that required the integration of said best friend's personality in order to stay sane, being on the run from the evil planet-draining electric company twice over, being mind-fucked by the villain into believing he wasn't a real person, and potentially bringing about the destruction of the entire planet.

There were probably some other things in there, too, but Cloud had lost track of just how far he had gotten before he finally noticed the others staring at him in something akin to disbelief and sheer horror.

Except for Zidane, who looked like he could power a dozen of the metaphorical light bulbs in his 'eureka!' moment.

Now it should be noted that Zidane was more aware of certain things than his cohorts. These things went along the lines of storylines, characterization, and near fourth wall-breaking capabilities. After all, Zidane was genre-savvy enough to recognize when a plot was thrown his way in the form of a rebellious princess and that he was the obligatory hero character meant to rescue her...three times over. He was rather dedicated to his role like that.

Maybe this was a result of his years of working as an actor with Tantalus. Or, given Kuja's flair for the dramatic and his almost disturbing tendency to quote stage productions in just about any situation, it could be a family thing. One would think it would be a 'genome' thing if it weren't for the fact that a good majority—read: nearly all—of the other genomes had all the acting ability of Tommy Wiseau, if only because they weren't actually trying and didn't know anything about...well...anything. Except how to be used by a madman to serve as vessels for the restoration of a long-since extinct civilization.

Whatever the case may be, it was at this time that Zidane, despite being the most knowledgeable of all the warriors when it came to theatrics and plot, foolishly did the one thing no one should ever do in fanfiction. EVER.

He openly invoked knowledge of the tropes.

"You are a total Woobie!" Zidane exclaimed.

Forgive him, dear readers. He knows not what he has unleashed.

"Zidane, there's no need for name-calling!" Firion admonished.

"I'm not calling him names, I'm stating a fact!"

Cloud blinked. "A Woobie?"

"Yeah! You've got to be one of the biggest Woobie's I've ever seen! Well, except for Vivi."

Though to be fair, no one can really match up to Vivi in terms of characters most of the audience wants to give a hug because of how much they suffer. I mean, it's _Vivi_. When the eyes make up the whole of the face, you KNOW you've got champion Woobie material. Especially if there's an oversized hat involved.

Damn that hat.

Shaking his head, the shorter blond continued. "It's like the whole of your life is suffering! Your mom, your town, your best friend—I mean, did anyone else SEE the ending of Crisis Core?"

The blank stares he received were not so much indicative that the others had, in fact, not seen the Crisis Core ending, but rather that they had no idea what the hell Zidane was talking about or what 'Crisis Core' was even supposed to be.

"Hell, I'm surprised you haven't taken advantage of this yet!"

"You can do that?" Cloud asked, curiously.

Here is where Zidane should have wised up and stopped talking about it.

"Well, YEAH, obviously!"

And here is where he didn't.

"All you have to do is make your eyes all big—maybe look like you're about to cry—or even just smile all sheepish and innocent-like and you'd totally have people eating out of your hand!"

The fool. The poor, poor fool.

"Really?" The Warrior of Light asked with a small frown. He just didn't like the idea of manipulating people like that, but even ignoring his own reservations on the matter, such a tactic seemed rather flawed if it was based on how sad someone looked. "That sounds...odd." Maybe it was based on a different system? His was rather simplistic, after all, and lacking in certain things. Like background stories and names for the heroes that were not their class. Hell, he was still trying to get used to this whole "talking" thing.

"There's no way that would work!" Luneth arrogantly exclaimed, causing the thief to sent him a dirty look. Like the Onion Knight would know. He'd SEEN the kid try to charm his way out of bad situations before. They tended to end badly. Clearly, his acting ability needed work. As did his arrogance.

"Hey, I know about these things!" Zidane insisted. And maybe it was true. He was incredibly genre-savvy like that.

Maybe he'd been spending too much time on the internet, adapting to technology and information that his world did not possess. Or maybe he was just seeing what he could find for the fun of it. Like porn and bad jokes.

What is that, dear readers? How did he find out about the internet? Or Crisis Core?

To be honest, no one is quite sure. The most anyone has been able to get out of the author about this issue is some grumbling about the theft of certain functions in the author's PSP. But good luck trying to figure out how a game character managed to steal anything within the actual system his game is being played through in the first place.

Uh-oh, the author is sending dirty glares this way. It would be best if we moved on.

So Zidane continued his lecture about the finer points of being adorable and manipulative. And despite everything, Cloud actually listened to him. The betailed boy may be a bit of a flirt, but he definitely knew what he was talking about. In this case, at least.

The fact that gunner and solitary fighter, Squall, was still quietly sulking over losing his hard-earned gold to the "puppy eyes" proved it twice over.

It was quite useful, Cloud agreed. But he had to wonder why Zidane didn't make more use of it—at least, he hadn't seen the thief try any such maneuvers with Terra or the few other women in this reality. His attempt to ask Zidane about it did not serve to answer this question, as the genome proceeded to turn red and give an incomprehensible rant that started off about the ladies not taking him "seriously" and devolved into something about "yow-ee", obsessive fangirls, him being a straight-up heterosexual, and if Garnet or Eiko tried to suggest anything about "brotherly love" ONE MORE TIME, he was going to go "Angel of Death" on their asses—potential love interest and fate of the world be DAMNED!

Then someone—probably Bartz—made the mistake of asking about Kuja, causing Zidane to abruptly freeze in place, eyes widening in sheer horror for a moment before he promptly burst into tears and curled into a ball, leaving a doting Terra, an apologetic Bartz, and an extremely uncomfortable Squall to try and calm him down as the others could only watch on in confusion and growing wariness. They couldn't make out exactly what had Zidane so traumatized, only that it involved tea-bags, a cod piece, and Kuja spending too much time on some game called "Halo".

No one was really sure what to think after that.

Cloud wisely decided not to comment, but took the lesson to memory all the same.

We now return you to your present storyline. Please remain seated until all color returns to your screen. And be warned that anyone quoting lyrics from the Rocky Horror Picture Show during our return to normal time will be hunted down and shot.

* * *

"Cloud."

He froze in the middle of loading the cart. He knew that voice. It was the one thing he could never forget about her. It was the kind, gentle voice that helped to guide him on his journey. And after her death, it was the voice he heard in his mind giving him hope. Even though she was part of the lifestream, it still felt as though she were right there with him, still trying to help and support him as much as she could. She was even there for him when the rest of his still-living friends decided to stage an intervention and make him go to therapy.

Apparently they were "concerned" about some of the things he'd been trying to tell them.

Seriously? Talking to dead people? An ongoing war between gods of order and chaos? Kids destroying monsters with oversized keys? Sephiroth coming back to try and destroy the world a third time? Why, that's just silly as far as they were concerned! Now slip into this oversized jacket with the straps and go with the nice men in white coats, okay?

Yeah...no.

And that was why Cloud made a point of not talking to his friends. At least not until Sephiroth DID come back to try and destroy the world a third time, but that was really only because he didn't want to miss the chance to say, "I told you so".

And to kill Sephiroth. Because there was just something about offing the silver-haired psychotic mamma's boy that never got old.

Noooooo, Cloud isn't vindictive at all, why do you ask?

"...Aerith." He whispered, barely audible.

Sure enough, when he finally managed to bring himself to turn around, it was the familiar form of the demure flower girl that greeted him. She was a bit younger than he last remembered seeing her, and she wore a plain white sundress instead of the pink one he was used to her wearing. She was also missing that keepsake ribbon he'd never seen her without. She seemed more shy and nervous than he remembered her, though, but it was clear that she recognized him. She knew his name and appearance before they technically ever met, and the look she gave him was like greeting an old friend. She knew him. She knew who he was.

Honestly, he was actually kind of surprised. After waking up and finding himself in the past, he hadn't considered that anyone else might have been sent back as well. Or maybe it was more that he'd been hoping no one else had been sent back with him. He actually kind of liked the solitude. And being able to simply relax and complete various mundane side quests without having to worry about preventing the world from ending along the way.

Not that any such thing stopped him in the previous adventure, but y'know...details.

Behold, the almighty side quest. The world may be in danger of being destroyed within a few days, but there will always be just enough time to race, prep, and breed giant birds capable of getting to all the secret areas of the world before that happens.

Still, this didn't change the fact that no other visitors from the future meant no one pressuring him to do anything crazy that would likely result in severe injury to himself. Like signing up for the Shinra military and becoming a meatshield again. Or going into the SOLDIER program now that he KNOWS what they do and how they do it. Or having to try and dodge questioning and suspicion from the Turks. Or just doing anything that could conceivably result in him ending up anywhere near Sephiroth. Like HELL was HE going to be the one to try and show the stoic man that there is more to life.

Hang on a minute; the author has stopped typing to consider something.

...And now the author has started cackling evilly over something that is to remain unexplained. The fact that the author is still breaking out into chuckles at various points while writing the rest of this chapter is somewhat disturbing.

But it's probably nothing. Moving on...

Cloud fully turned to face the flower girl, not quite sure just how he should react. Noticing his sudden change of focus, the Chocobo tied to the cart likewise turned as much as it was allowed to in order to better note the latest object of the blond's attention. It tilted its head questioningly, but otherwise did nothing else, seeming content to wait on the duo for further action. If anything, it almost appeared to be listening to the two speak in the conversation to come.

...Which is silly, of course, as it's not like a regular old Chocobo, green though it may be, can actually understand what they're saying...

...As far as YOU know...

But as Cloud's focus was on Aerith, he seemed not to notice the reaction of his feathered companion. Instead, he was trying to figure out just what to say to the not-dead version of the girl he had known and possibly went on a date with depending on how you played the game. It took him a few moments and a deep breath before he finally managed to respond.

"You...remember?"

She nodded, a bit uncertain. "It comes in bits and pieces, but I remember enough. The lifestream has been helping me to understand what has happened."

That made sense, he thought with a nod. She WAS the last of the Cetra and thus tied to the Planet. If it HAD sent him back in time, odds were that it would let the only person who could hear it know what was going on. So now that Aerith knew about the horrible, horrible future and their respective roles in that mess, this could either be a good thing or a very, very bad thing.

"Cloud, what are you doing here?"

Maybe it was too soon to tell, but somehow, he was leaning towards "bad" on this one.

He blinked, a bit surprised at the question. "I'm...delivering groceries."

"I can see that, but why?"

"...Because that's my job?"

Aerith sighed. "Cloud, what about Shinra? You need to be there to stop Sephiroth from going insane and trying to destroy the Planet again!"

He figured he might as well be blunt about this. "But I don't want to. I've been with Shinra before, I KNOW what it's like there!"

"You know it's the only way." She told him, sadly. "Shinra is still draining the Planet and will still cause severe damage even if Sephiroth does not go insane. And don't forget, Jenova is still a danger to everyone and needs to be destroyed. Shinra is the only way to get to her. The closer you are to Shinra, the better you'll be able to act without notice." This part, Cloud thought, was actually very likely untrue, as it would place him right in the line of sight of multiple major authority figures and make it MORE probable that he would gain unnecessary attention, but it probably wasn't a good idea to tell her that at this point.

She smiled, earnestly. "And this time, you can pass the Soldier Exam just like you've always wanted! So you can be right there with Zack and Sephiroth when it all starts going wrong! It's for the best."

Easy for her to say. SHE never had to stay at the cadet dorms. A tent in the wilderness is preferable to THAT place. And he would say that trying to eat a Malboro would be better than the food they had there if it weren't for the fact that they actually had tried to serve one as a meal by mistake once before.

He shuddered. Nope, too many horrible, traumatic memories. He had a hard enough time trying to suppress those enough to be a functional human being, like HELL was he going to actually relive any of it.

"Someone else can deal with it this time. I'm going to try something that won't risk my sanity."

"There is no one else! You are the only one who can do this. You're the only one who was able to do it before." She was pleading now, becoming more desperate, but that didn't mean that what she said wasn't true. Aerith was honest like that. A bit naïve, but honest. "You saved the world multiple times! And out of everyone, it was YOU who stopped Sephiroth in the reactor! No Mako. No enhancements. Just YOU. A regular infantryman managed to defeat the supposed unbeatable General."

Yes, everyone knows that's how it turned out, but honestly, put in the perspective of the time it occurred, it was pretty impressive that a lone infantryman managed to "kill"—relatively speaking—the Silver-Haired Demon when a Soldier First Class couldn't even stop his murder spree. Dozens of Wutai's best fighters couldn't bring him down and even the two top Soldier Firsts had to team up just to give him a decent spar. And yet it was little normal Cloud who managed to take him out...sure, he had the element of surprise and a big f-ing sword (or BFS in trope speak) that he probably shouldn't have been able to lift at all...but plenty other opponents had similar advantages and yet the "Nibelheim Incident" marked the first time in history that anyone managed to succeed.

But history and actual experience are two completely different things. And Cloud had no interest in repeating history.

"Yeah, and look how that turned out! I spent four years as an experiment and one in a coma because of the same people you want to send me off to. I REALLY don't want to have to do that again."

Aerith frowned, becoming frustrated. It wasn't supposed to be this hard to convince him to save the world! She would be right there with him...well, not RIGHT with him, as she was still trying to avoid Shinra, but she was still going to help, so it's not as though he would be doing it all alone. But it wasn't a matter of him not wanting to be alone, it was a matter of him refusing to try at all. Cloud was a hero. He was the type to help people, at least he was when she last saw him...figuratively speaking. But now that he has a second chance, he's refusing to even try? How could she convince him to give the "saving the world" bit one more go? OTHER than what the voices in the lifestream suggested. Like HELL was she going to try...SEDUCING him into anything! She was not THAT kind of girl, thankyouverymuch.

"Cloud, if you don't do anything, no one else will be able to stop Sephiroth from going on another rampage and summoning Meteor! Rock falls, everyone dies. Did you forget that?"

Of course he didn't. Not for lack of trying, though. Most people would experience some form of trauma over the end of the world. In his case, with that AND the destruction of his home town AND the years of horrible experimentation AND the death of his best friend...it was just too much trouble to suppress it all—usually because something ELSE would happen the instant he made any headway in that endeavor. It was like even attempting to make any healthy progression in his life painted a giant bullseye on his back saying "traumatized hero attempting to forget trauma and actually be happy, come traumatize me more!"

Damn Advent Children. Damn Kingdom Hearts. Damn Dissidia. Damn fanfic authors.

But really now, how was he supposed to respond to THAT?

* * *

_Women tend to be quite susceptible to what is referred to as the "cuteness factor". As regular fans of most things cute, adorable, and "bish", the female gender more easily understands the concept of the cuteness factor and its effects quite well, and thus suffer little in the way of long-term impact, though they do regularly display highly noticeable short-term reactions and what scientists believe to be a temporary loss of sanity while within range of the object in question. The most widely noted side effects usually include cooing, "squee"-ing, turning into puddles of mush, and having an overwhelming desire to cuddle the object of perceived cuteness._

* * *

By this time, the higher power with the "Plan" was patting itself on the back at the brilliance of its idea to use Aerith as a backup plan.

She was cute, seemingly innocent, and completely inconspicuous! Who would ever expect the homely girl in pink to be the last line of defense for the world? Or even the key to unleashing the ultimate secret weapon against the other secret weapon that would try to destroy the world? And now that they were in the past—pre-stabby death—Cloud's memory and guilt over her unavoidable demise made her the best secret weapon to kick start his hero complex and get him into world-saving mode again.

But what said higher power failed to realize was that this Cloud was not the regular angsty redeemer version normally sent back in time to get a second chance at saving the world and doing things "right". That would be making it easy. You see, THIS Cloud is one who has long gotten used to the mechanizations of such higher powers—to the point that he has actually come to understand them and their plans—just enough to learn how to pre-empt them. And what this particular higher power did not plan on was that Cloud himself had a secret weapon as well. One even more dangerous than Aerith could ever hope to be.

For you see, dear readers, Cloud Strife was a bonafide Woobie. And the only thing more dangerous than a Woobie was a Woobie that KNEW it had achieved Woobie status.

And thanks to Zidane in the aforementioned flashback at the beginning of this chapter, Cloud _KNEW_. What's more, because of the events of said flashback, he also knew how to effectively USE that status to get what he wants.

At this time, what Cloud wanted was to NOT go to Shinra or have to deal with Sephiroth.

So that's when Cloud did the last thing anyone would ever expect him to do outside of Zack's tragic heroic death. The one thing no self-respecting stoic tsundre male lead in a Final Fantasy game would ever actually do, yet the one thing that could likely bend anyone to their whim and potentially get them out of any scrape if they ever did.

He started to cry.

...

Wait—what?

...Are you really doing this, author? REALLY?

*Sigh* Fine.

Yeah folks, you read it right. He started with the waterworks. Cloud's eyes began watering—or at least they looked to Aerith like they were on the verge of unleashing torrents of tears. Though that was primarily because of the light shining in his eyes—but she didn't need to know that bit.

This...doesn't seem very impressive, does it?

Probably not, but we would like to take a moment to remind everyone that this wasn't badass lone wolf all in black atoner Cloud. Oooooh, no. This was cute and Woobie complete with a capital "W" in green overalls and adorably oversized straw hat chibi Cloud.

Few people could stand a chance against this.

Aerith was not one of those people.

In all likelihood, Cloud probably already knew this. Which is no doubt why he did it. Either as a result of Zidane's revelation or some knowledge of what the higher powers were planning, Cloud was becoming rather skilled in the art of manipulating people.

"Y-you hate me, don't you?"

"What? Of course I don't!" Aerith exclaimed, panicking.

"You DO! You hate me! You want me to go to the place with the crazy people that like torturing me!" To add to this very valid—if slightly over played—point, he even sniffled and—oh geez! His lip was quivering! QUIVERING! He clutched his adorably oversized hat to his chest, almost seeming to shrink in on himself and tremble—effectively knocking up the cuteness factor to over 1000.

No, not over 9000, because that joke is overused and being exposed to cuteness of that magnitude can result in instant melting of teeth, nausea, vomiting, heart-stopping, warping of minds, regression, gender confusion, general OOCness, warping of reality itself, and would likely kill us all. Not necessarily in that order.

Luckily, Cloud doesn't reach that level, but he was still adorable and innocent enough to break down just about all but the toughest mental and emotional defenses.

Aerith never stood a chance.

Hey, YOU try telling a mini-Cloud in green overalls and adorably oversized hat standing next to an equally adorable Chocobo—which somehow inexplicably (as far as the author is willing to reveal) knew exactly how and when to mimic his expressions and was pulling off a similar sad look to match his rider's—that he can't care for the cute birds because he has to put his life, happiness, and sanity on the line to help save the planet AGAIN after having already done so four times—and three against the SAME FRIGGIN GUY.

What? Please don't give us any nasty reviews about this. Half of you would probably break down at the Woobie look, and the half that wouldn't would still probably let him ignore the Plan anyway simply for the hell of it. Gaia knows the current path certainly looks more interesting than anything the higher powers could come up with. And more fun. And we mean "fun" of the "deviating paths, mind-screwing, causing people to end up doing things completely different from the original" variety.

Good times. Good times...

Still, knowing what Cloud would be in for and seeing that broken look on his face, Aerith tossed away whatever concern she had for the higher power's Plan with the capital "P" and promptly engulfed the trembling mini-blond in a hug, giving him soft assurances that of COURSE he didn't have to go work for Shinra if he didn't want to and whatever would make him happy was fine with her.

That's when the higher power realized it needed a better backup plan.

Cloud: 1

Fate: 0

* * *

"Walking on sunshine~ku-po-oo-oo~!"

This was the first time ChocoMog had been used for anything outside battle, and even THAT was a rarity. Honestly, he should have read the job description more carefully before agreeing to be a summon in this world. He didn't even get to do that much during the brief times he was called into the middle of a fight, and at most, he would only be called on just often enough for the summoning materia to be completely mastered when it came to the more diligent and hardcore fighters.

Lets face it, there simply wasn't much use for a Moogle and Chocobo tag-team combo in a world that had the friggin King of Dragons, Bahamut, available for on-call. The fact that the world was even still standing given how many Megaflares that thing has used on the Planet is nothing short of confounding. But still, the point remained that when there were bigger, better summons available, no one ever really looked twice at little old Choco and Mog, who sadly, found themselves commonly being left out of the summons' gatherings.

Sure, Choco managed alright for himself. He was a Chocobo and fairly popular, so people still used the birds regularly. But what about poor little Mog? Sure, he was also a ridiculously cute critter, but he just didn't have the same usefulness as a bird that could offer easier travel. He'd done his best, though, but nothing was ever enough. He'd started off iconic, but was gradually seen as little more than the obligatory small annoying creature as time went on, eventually reduced to the role of optional side character and...*shudder* tutorial. Sure, he had a fighting role in Final Fantasy 6, which was pretty great, but even THAT one still cost him. In this case, it was the complete annihilation of his friends, his family, and all the other Moogles as well, leaving him the last of his kind and completely isolated from all outside contact for a whole year. Alone. In a ruined world.

Not that he was still horribly traumatized or anything. He was fine, really. His therapist said so!

He was just so happy that someone thought he was useful enough to summon, even if it was for something as simple as taking care of Chocobos. Mog didn't mind, though. The Choco half of the summon was a Chocobo, after all, so the Moogle was already aware of what care was necessary and well adept at looking after the creatures.

Truth be told, he never actually expected anyone to even consider that possibility.

But the nice spiky-haired blond human did. He summoned them. He offered them both a job. And he was regularly feeding his own magic energy into the materia to let them both stay out continuously. The fact that anyone decided to use their summon at all was enough to make him happy. And a happy Moogle is a loyal and hard-working Moogle. But this one summoned them and more. He gave them a place and a purpose. He took the time to notice their talents and apply them where they would get to truly shine. And above all, he let them avoid having to return to the summoned plane face further ridicule.

So, if the kind, wonderful human wanted him to take care of Chocobos, then gosh darn it all, he was going to be the best Chocobo-caretaker out there!

The VERY best. Like no one ever was!

And nothing would stand in his way!

Eddie stared at the disturbingly cheery Moogle and for once found himself hoping that Cloud would be back soon. And he couldn't help but wonder, not for the first time, just how he got caught up in this mess.

It couldn't be helped. He was just a poor innocent non-important, non-plot relevant OC trapped in an offshoot of a canon existence.

Pray for him, people. Pray for him.

* * *

Yes, it's been a few months, but still. At least I finished up the confrontation in this chapter. From here...well, it only gets worse. But for who and how? Yeah, like I'm really going to say.

Also: Yes, I made Cloud pretend to cry. While using a wounded gazelle warcry, no less. Because I personally believe that he could make an amazing magnificent bastard if given the opportunity.

For those of you confused: A Woobie is that a character who suffers beautifully in a story, and through their suffering can become popular with the audience. Vivi is the Woobie of FF9. Cloud would certainly count for FF7.

References include: tvtropes, Final Fantasy Dissidia, Final Fantasy 1 through Final Fantasy 9, Kingdom Hearts, The Room by and starring Tommy Wiseau, general game mechanics, and the overall fandom. Basic knowledge of these is not necessary to complete the story, but helps in understanding the inside jokes and points of the references made. Knowledge and understanding of Final Fantasy 7, the characters, the plot, and the world IS necessary in order to understand the story as it unfolds from here.

Is Cloud going to pull this again? Probably not. He actually knew Aerith. And as a source of his guilt throughout Advent Children, it stands to reason that he could, if he really wanted to, play it back in this case if she tried to force him to relive any of the horror. Is Dissidia going to ever be fully involved in this story as far as crossover goes? Not really. Maybe a couple more jokes will be made, but other than that, this is about Cloud and the world of Final Fantasy 7.

Posted: December 1, 2011


	6. Chapter 5 Alternate Version

AN: THIS IS NOT CHAPTER SIX. Please read the following.

To be honest, I am actually quite surprised about the reception of the last chapter. I was expecting quite a few complaints about having Cloud fake cry to manipulate Aerith. Instead, the reviews were mostly positive—with the exception of one or two that complained about the lack of explanation for the tropes (which was a mistake and has since been edited into the previous chapter) and for some strange reason, the inclusion of Dissidia, as though chapter 4 didn't announce months ahead of time that it was going to be involved—however briefly.

All the same, I had a perfectly good alternate version made as a backup just in case things went horribly wrong with the original. And while a couple of complaints and one review comprising almost entirely of insults are hardly enough to warrant a full reaction to, it just seems a shame to let this version sit on my computer and gather dust. Simply because I liked the idea and wanted to give the chance to see what you as the readers think and how you would prefer Cloud to act.

Some of the wording is the same. A lot of what actually happens is quite different. Yes, tropes are still used, but different ones, to a very different effect, and explanations are included at the bottom of the story. This change results in a drastically different method Cloud uses to get his way—somewhat more serious and outright logically manipulative instead of being emotionally manipulative while pretending to be weak. Yes, Dissidia is still involved and it still starts off with a flashback, only more centralized on Cloud and Zidane—mainly because I think they could both make for some amazing Magnificent Bastards if they really tried. The end bit with Mog and Eddie is the same, though. Yes, it is necessary.

So thus, here is Chapter 5: Alternate Version, and maybe the one I'll follow depending on what you all think. Truth be told, the way this is going, either chapter could work. But lets see which one goes better...

CHAPTER START:

It has recently come to my attention through use of TV tropes that by making Cloud try to have fun like a normal person instead of needlessly wangsting like an emo when given a second chance to change the past, I've possibly made him more in character than most time travel fanfics have so far.

For that, I apologize. This will be corrected immediately.

By going to the OTHER extreme.

* * *

**Where It All Started Going Wrong**

_Do not be fooled by their innocent appearance. Chocobos are deceptive and manipulative creatures. Their wings belie their inability to fly for most of their species. Their seemingly cute appearance hides the danger they can be for the unwary. They have the capacity to gain amazing abilities for travel and/or fighting—depending on what world they're from—if people go through the time and effort to allow them to do so. And given that these abilities are needed to attain some of the best weapons and resources, many would never think to question if they shouldn't._

_The truth is that this is exactly what the Chocobos want..._

* * *

Truth be told, it was all Zidane's fault. And Luneth's. But mostly Zidane's.

To properly explain this, we would need to involve a brief flashback. Please bear with us, as your screen will return to normal color and non-grainy vision momentarily.

During the fight against Chaos and his warriors in the land of Dissidia, there were many points when the group would split up. The reasons usually differed—whether to cover more ground, get to their destination without gaining too much attention, or to separate certain members that kept butting heads before any of them lost it and slaughtered the rest...

So this time, Luneth suggested that they all split up again, but that they should try travelling with different members to foster unity. It seemed like a good idea, except that once the groups had been decided, somehow the arrogant little smart-mouth had still ended up in a group with the mystic girl, Terra, who he had been constantly paired with every time so far. Cloud thought he should mention this, but the others had already started going their separate ways, so there was little point in arguing.

And that's how Cloud found himself paired with the short, tailed fighter for a traveling buddy. Granted, he and Zidane had never really spent much time around each other, so he didn't know much about the thief. But given that he had a tendency to get into trouble, Cloud was really just hoping they could just make it through the trip without incident. This meant having as little interaction as possible. And maybe it would have worked, except that Zidane had become bored. And in his boredom, he was giving Cloud a strange, calculating look that the blond swordsman simply couldn't ignore.

He had grown paranoid over his original adventure—with good reason—and had long been able to tell when someone was looking at him with any sort of interest. It was useful for warning when he was being followed or when there were any traps waiting. In this case, however, it just meant that he would inevitably be forced to address the other hero.

Might as well not put it off any longer than he had to. Cloud sighed and finally looked at the other. "What is it?"

Now it should be noted that Zidane was more aware of certain things than his cohorts. These things went along the lines of storylines, characterization, and near fourth wall-breaking capabilities. After all, Zidane was genre-savvy enough to recognize when a plot was thrown his way in the form of a rebellious princess, and that he was the obligatory hero character supposed to rescue her...three times over. He was rather dedicated to his role like that.

Maybe this was a result of his years of working as an actor with Tantalus. Or, given Kuja's flair for the dramatic and his almost disturbing tendency to quote stage productions in just about any situation, it could be a family thing. One would think it would be a 'genome' thing if it weren't for the fact that a good majority—read: nearly all—of the other genomes had no acting ability to speak of, if only because they weren't actually trying and didn't know anything about...well...anything.

Whatever the case may be, it was at this time that Zidane, despite being the most knowledgeable of all the warriors when it came to theatrics and plot, foolishly did the one thing no one should ever do in fanfiction. EVER.

He openly invoked knowledge of the tropes.

"You know what? You would make an amazing magnificent bastard!" Zidane said with a grin.

Forgive him, dear readers. He knows not what he has unleashed.

No, wait. He probably does. That's likely why he did it.

Cloud blinked. This was...unexpected. "A what now?"

"A magnificent bastard! Every world has one. He's the guy who has his own agenda—good or evil, though usually evil—and is a master of manipulating others to achieve his own ends. He's so brilliant and devious that it's almost mind-boggling! He's charismatic and a smooth operator, always knowing what to say or do to get people where he wants them, always has a plan and backup plan, and never loses his cool. It'll seem like he's almost omniscient at times. Annoyingly so."

That sounded familiar, but Cloud dismissed the thought. Zidane wasn't just a thief, but an actor, and was likely seeing plots and storylines were there were none.

"You're probably the one person no one would ever see it coming from." Zidane continued, looking thoughtful for a moment before saying more quietly. "Other than Terra."

Right. Like the innocent little amnesiac girl of the group could ever be so all-controlling. Cloud rolled his eyes, turning away. "That would never work."

"Why not? Sephiroth's done it."

That froze him in his tracks. Sephiroth. The bane of his existence. That one monster of his nightmares that would never go away. Sure, Cloud has killed him before and stopped his plans time and time again, but it felt like half the time he was only being played further. Even the first time he killed him inside of the reactor, he had only inadvertently helped Sephiroth get what he wanted. All he had succeeded in doing at that time was making himself the target of the madman's anger at being beaten by a kid. Oh, and set himself and Zack up for four years of horrible torture and experimentation. But you know...details.

"How would you know?" Cloud stated, trying to dismiss the conversation altogether.

"Because Kuja is my villain, and he was the exact same way. He manipulated a Queen, started a world war, held my friends captive to force me to get him an artifact he couldn't get himself, regularly tricked people into doing his bidding, and eventually destroyed a world and got revenge on his creator." Zidane shrugged. "I can recognize some of those same characteristics in Sephiroth. Besides, Sephiroth WAS the one who orchestrated just about everything that went wrong in your world, wasn't he?"

THAT was certainly true. Every step of his adventure, he was being watched and manipulated. Killing Sephiroth and giving him complete access to the lifestream, handing over the Black Materia, and even letting the monster kill Aerith. Even when he thought he understood everything that was going on, it turned out that he had some lost or missing key details, and all of his attempts to fight the ex-General and discover the truth only resulted in his own nervous breakdown.

Which was...likely what Sephiroth was going for to begin with.

It all suddenly clicked. So THAT'S what Zidane meant. "That...bastard!"

"Exactly!" Zidane said with a nod. "But look on the bright side. Sooner or later you may find yourself in a position where you can return the favor and actually get one over on him. Like if you happened to somehow find yourself taken back in time for whatever reason."

That didn't seem likely, but Cloud couldn't help himself now. He was curious, so he turned back to the shorter boy, eyebrow raised. "How can you be so sure?" Cloud asked uncertainly. The thief DID have a tendency to exaggerate things.

"Hey, I know about these things!" Zidane insisted. And maybe it was true. He was incredibly genre-savvy like that.

So the rest of their travel to the destination point was spent teaching Cloud about plots, tropes, and the finer arts of being manipulative and getting away with it. And though he had initially believed the trip would be a waste, Cloud found himself listening to him. The genome may have been a bit of a flirt, but he definitely knew what he was talking about. In this case, at least. And despite everything he had initially thought, Cloud took the lesson to memory.

"You certainly know a lot about this."

"I'm a thief, it's expected of me."

And that's how Cloud learned to be genre-savvy. And gained his "screw the Plan" attitude.

We now return you to your present storyline. Please remain seated until all color returns to your screen. And be warned that anyone quoting lyrics from the Rocky Horror Picture Show during our return to normal time will be hunted down and shot.

* * *

"Cloud."

He froze in the middle of loading the cart. He knew that voice. It was the one thing he could never forget about her. It was the kind, gentle voice that helped to guide him on his journey. And after her death, it was the voice he heard in his mind giving him hope. Even though she was part of the lifestream, it still felt as though she were right there with him, still trying to help and support him as much as she could. She was even there for him when the rest of his still-living friends decided to stage an intervention and make him go to therapy.

Apparently they were "concerned" about some of the things he'd been trying to tell them.

Seriously? Talking to dead people? An ongoing war between gods of order and chaos? Kids destroying heart-stealing monsters with oversized keys? Sephiroth coming back to try and destroy the world a third time? Why, that's just silly as far as they were concerned! Now slip into this oversized jacket with the straps and go with the nice men in white coats, okay?

Yeah...no.

And that was why Cloud made a point of not talking to his friends. At least not until Sephiroth DID come back to try and destroy the world a third time, but that was really only because he didn't want to miss the chance to say, "I told you so".

And to kill Sephiroth. Because there was just something about offing the silver-haired psychotic mamma's boy that never got old.

Noooooo, Cloud isn't vindictive at all, why do you ask?

"...Aerith."

Sure enough, when he finally managed to bring himself to turn around, it was the familiar form of the demure flower girl that greeted him. She was a bit younger than he last remembered seeing her, and she wore a plain white sundress instead of the pink one he was used to seeing her in. She was also missing that keepsake ribbon he'd never seen her without. She seemed more shy and nervous than he remembered her, though, but it was clear that she recognized him. She knew his name and appearance before they technically ever met, and the look she gave him was like greeting an old friend. She knew him. She knew who he was.

Honestly, he was actually kind of surprised. After waking up and finding himself in the past, he hadn't considered that anyone else might have been sent back as well. Or maybe it was more that he'd been hoping no one else had been sent back with him. He actually kind of liked the solitude. And being able to simply relax and complete various mundane side quests without having to worry about preventing the world from ending along the way.

Not that any such thing stopped him in the previous adventure, but y'know...details.

Behold, the almighty side quest. The world may be in danger of being destroyed within a few days, but there will always be just enough time to race, prep, and breed giant birds capable of getting to all the secret areas of the world.

Still, this didn't change the fact that no other visitors from the future meant no one pressuring him to do anything crazy that would likely result in severe injury to himself. Like signing up for Shinra infantry and becoming a meatshield again. Or going into the SOLDIER program now that he KNOWS what they do. Or having to try and dodge questioning and suspicion from the Turks. Or just doing anything that could conceivably result in him ending up anywhere near Sephiroth. Like HELL was HE going to be the one to try and show the stoic man that there is more to life than fighting, being experimented on, his mommy issues, and attempting to destroy the world in order to become a God.

But now, Aerith was here...this certainly changed things.

* * *

By this time, the higher power with the "Plan" was patting itself on the back at the brilliance of its idea to use Aerith as a backup plan.

She was cute, seemingly innocent, and completely inconspicuous! Who would ever expect the homely girl in pink to be the last line of defense for the world? Or even the key to unleashing the ultimate secret weapon against the other secret weapon that would try to destroy the world? And now that they were in the past—pre-stabby death—Cloud's memory and guilt over her unavoidable demise made her the best secret weapon to kick start his hero complex and get him into world-saving mode again.

But what said higher power failed to realize was that this Cloud was not the regular angsty redeemer version normally sent back in time to get a second chance at saving the world and doing things "right". Oooooh, no, that would actually be making it easy on them. You see, THIS Cloud is one who has long gotten used to the mechanizations of such higher powers—to the point that he has actually come to understand them and their plans—just enough to learn how to pre-empt them. And what this particular higher power did not plan on was that Cloud himself had a secret weapon as well. One even more dangerous than Aerith could ever hope to be.

For you see, dear readers, Cloud Strife had long since attained the secret knowledge of how the world works. Or at least how stories like this one work, thus mastering the art of being genre savvy. Perhaps not dangerously so, given that "dangerously genre savvy" mainly applies to villains—namely those who have the common sense to avoid the common pitfalls of typical villainy. And Cloud was certainly not a villain—though that may be debatable depending on your stance regarding the whole "giving fate the finger and leaving the world to its own devices when he could very easily save it" plotline of this story. At least he wasn't outright evil, though. Who knows where the plotline would go if Cloud decided to become a full fledged villain for his second chance at having fun instead of simply screwing around?

Actually, that would be kind of interesting...but not where this plotline is headed.

But while Cloud is not outright evil, he is leaning more towards neutral, and is fully intent on retaining that neutrality. Even in the face of pissy higher powers. And since he IS facing such easily agitated forces of fate itself, he's going to need every edge he can get.

And thanks to Zidane in the aforementioned flashback at the beginning of this chapter, Cloud now had that edge. What's more, because of the events of said flashback, he also knew how to effectively USE that edge to get what he wants.

But in order to do so, he would have to become the thing he hated...

Then again, he was already the equivalent of a Soldier, technically a Sephiroth clone, and had been a puppet to the big bad on more than one occasion. At least giving deviousness and manipulation a try would be more fun.

And that is why what follows can be attributed to Zidane.

* * *

Cloud fully turned to face the flower girl, not quite sure just how he should react. Noticing his sudden change of focus, the Chocobo tied to the cart likewise turned as much as it was allowed to in order to better focus on the object of the blond's attention. It tilted its head questioningly, but otherwise did nothing else, seeming content to wait on the duo for further action. If anything, it almost appeared to be listening to the two speak in the conversation to come.

...Which is silly, of course, as it's not like a regular old Chocobo can actually understand what they're saying...

...As far as YOU know...

But as Cloud's focus was on Aerith, he seemed not to notice the reaction of his feathered companion. Instead, he was trying to figure out just what to say to the not-dead version of the girl he had known and possibly went on a date with depending on how you played the game. It took him a few moments and a deep breath before he finally managed to respond.

"You remember?"

She nodded, a bit uncertain. "It comes in bits and pieces, but I remember enough. The lifestream has been helping me to understand what has happened."

That made sense, he thought with a nod. She WAS the last of the Cetra and thus tied to the Planet. If it HAD sent him back in time, odds were that it would let the only person who could hear it know what was going on. So now that Aerith knew about the horrible, horrible future and their respective roles in the mess, this could either be a good thing or a very, very bad thing.

But maybe it would be best to act before Aerith revealed which one it was. Especially as he had the feeling it was leaning towards "bad thing".

"Oh!" Cloud started with a smile. "So you know everything then?"

"Well, not everything." She said, frowning a little nervously. "I know about Sephiroth's connection to Jenova and how finding out the truth made him go insane and try to destroy the world."

"Ah, I see." He hummed for a moment to himself, thinking it over. Now, he COULD take the gentle route and explain his reasons, which would take time and a lot of convincing at the risk of being persuaded into what he didn't want to do himself. Aerith was a good person who wanted to save the world, and lets face it, Cloud was pretty much leaving the world to survive or perish on its own without him when he was fully capable of saving it. He was being selfish, he would fully admit it. But it seemed as though Aerith was missing a few key details, and he also had the MUCH more interesting option of sharing those details with her.

"So wait, then do you know about your boyfriend?"

She her eyes widened in astonishment. "Boyfriend? I had a...? I didn't know. I...wasn't told that much yet."

Cloud blinked. "You weren't told about him?" His surprise grew as she shook her head, not really sure what he was talking about.

Well, this came as a shock. Cloud hadn't known about Aerith till he met her the first time, so he never knew just when she and Zack had met. But it would seem that he hasn't fallen through the roof of her church yet in this timeline. What's more, whatever higher powers were involved here didn't tell her about him.

Forget what he thought before. This could be a good thing, after all.

"Well, I guess it's already obvious, but you had a boyfriend." He said with a sheepish smile, causing her to relax slightly. "I don't know much about what you two did together since I didn't know about you until just before Sephiroth started his second rampage. He was a Soldier and he kind of scared you at first from what you told me. But he was nice—told you about the sky and other things. He..." Cloud wracked his brain, trying to remember. "He does have a tendency for grand entrances. He fell through the roof of the church and landed on your flowers. It was an accident, but still, that's how you first met." He grinned more as Aerith started to smile. "He got you a ribbon, built you a flower wagon, and protected you from rogue robots."

Wait a minute—Cloud wasn't there for any of those events. Where did all THAT information come from?

Oh, right. The integration of skills and memories of the dying best friend into his persona to retain his sanity after loss of said best friend.

Dammit, memory/spirit Zack...

"He sounds nice."

Cloud nodded. "He was. In his own way." A little TOO nice at times, given the heroic last stand and all. He shook his head, getting back on track. "But still, you didn't know anything about him?"

Aerith frowned, creasing her forehead in concentration as she tried to remember...something before sighing sadly. "No. I remember Sephiroth and...you...but everything else..." She was growing increasingly anxious and becoming a bit defensive. "I remember the important things."

"So did they say how to keep you from dying? Because that's kind of important and I was hoping to avoid that this time around."

Aerith froze.

"Wait—what?"

Ooh, this was awkward. Cloud blinked. "Um...you...died in the future. Didn't they tell you?"

"No. No, they did not." Aerith deadpanned.

"Oh." He paused for a moment, seeming uncomfortable. After what seemed like a minute of silence, though, it was Aerith who took the initiative.

"How did I...die?"

"Well, you were praying to try and summon the ultimate spell, Holy, in order to stop Meteor when Sephiroth showed up and stabbed you." He explained.

"Oh. Did it work?" If anything, Aerith seemed to calm a bit at that. If she had died trying to save the world, then at least her sacrifice wouldn't have been in vain.

"No, not really."

And that killed that hope.

Sure, the world had been saved and he had every belief that Aerith had helped them from the lifestream to use the planet's own energy to stop Meteor, but Holy itself hadn't done much good in the end, and that was what she had died for. And honestly, if all it took was having someone dead directing the lifestream, then why didn't one of the many, many, many OTHER dead Ancients do it? Like Aerith's mom? Or was Aerith supposed to become the equivalent of a Goddess when she died?

...Oh, crap. He'd better say something before anyone else picks up on that thought and actually considers it.

Noting the stricken look on the flower girl's face, Cloud frowned, a bit concerned. "Did they tell you about how to keep your boyfriend from dying?"

"...They...didn't mention that, either." Aerith was looking more disturbed now.

"Oh." Another pause. "So, what did they tell you?"

"They told me about the threats from Sephiroth, Jenova, and Meteor. Plus they talked about you a lot and how you're not doing anything to stop those threats." Okay, so for a person who had just heard that she died in the future, she was taking this rather well. Or at least annoying well enough to avoid getting off track from the reason she's supposed to be talking to him.

"Yes," Cloud mused. "Well, if they wanted the world to be saved, maybe they should have left it at the time it had already been saved. Besides, their idea of stopping the threat involves a lot of pain and effort on my part."

"But you're the only one who can do it!" She seemed so certain of this. It was the one thing the voices in the lifestream and her snippets of future memory had assured her of. "You saved the world multiple times! And out of everyone, it was YOU who stopped Sephiroth that first time! No Mako. No enhancements. Just YOU. A regular infantryman managed to defeat the supposed unbeatable General."

Yes, everyone knows that's how it turned out, but honestly, put in the perspective of the time it occurred, it was pretty impressive that a lone infantryman managed to "kill"—relatively speaking—the Silver-Haired Demon when a Soldier First Class couldn't even stop his murder spree. When even the two top Soldier Firsts had to team up just to give him a decent spar. And yet it was little normal Cloud who managed to take him out...sure, he had the element of surprise and a big-ass sword that he probably shouldn't have been able to lift at all...but plenty other opponents had similar advantages and yet the "Nibelheim Incident" marked the first time in history that anything managed to work.

But history and actual experience are two completely different things. And Cloud had no interest in repeating history.

"Exactly! I was a regular infantryman. I had no skills, no training, and no enhancements. I was a regular non-physical fighter who knew nothing about using a blade. Plus, I stabbed him in the back while he was busy ranting and completely focused on Jenova. If I managed to stop him with a buster sword and the element of surprise, then why couldn't anyone else?"

It was a very excellent point. And no, saying that Cloud was "special" would NOT work here.

"He was full-out crazy." Cloud continued by way of explanation. "He was the best swordsman out there as the General, but when he lost it, he stopped thinking strategy and just focused on torching and maiming whatever was around till things stopped moving. He only directly killed anyone who he happened to come across in the village, but completely ignored me while I was helping people. Then there was Tifa and her teacher, Zangan. They were fully capable fighters, and he didn't take notice of them either until Tifa tried to attack him head on. The only one he really bothered to be aware of was Zack, who WAS a Soldier and capable of actually holding his own in a full-on fight. That's because Sephiroth had a god complex and as far as he was concerned, the rest of us were simple, lowly humans incapable of harming him. He didn't register us as threats, he wasn't paying attention to his surroundings, and I happened to be the only one who chose to attack when he was distracted with seeing his 'Mommy' and his guard was down."

Cloud was actually starting to like this explanation. Mostly because it meant he wouldn't have to do anything. "So really, anyone could have stopped him."

Aerith frowned, thinking it over. "But who else would do it?"

"Did the higher powers mention AVALANCHE? Barret or Cid? Red? How about Vincent? He's a human WEAPON, after all, and I've SEEN the damage he can do. Did they mention anything about how well they all did on the Shinra-fighting and world-saving front without me while I was in a Mako coma?"

"...No."

Another, longer pause.

"They're...not telling you much, are they?"

Aerith's eye twitched, annoyed now. "Apparently not as much as they should." And more than she needed to know in some ways. Why Ancient seduction techniques deserved a lecture while her own DEATH wasn't worth commenting on, she honestly wanted to know.

Cloud smiled. "Would you like me to fill you in?"

She looked like she wanted to say yes, but there were still other concerns that worried her more. "But...what about Meteor? Rock falls, everyone dies. Did you forget about that?"

Of course he didn't. Not for lack of trying, though. Most people would experience some form of trauma over the end of the world. In his case, with that AND the destruction of his home town AND the years of horrible experimentation AND the death of his best friend...it was just too much trouble to suppress it all—usually because something ELSE would happen the instant he made any headway in that endeavor. It was like even attempting healthy progression in his life painted a giant bullseye on his back saying "traumatized hero attempting to forget trauma and actually be happy, come traumatize me more!"

Damn Advent Children. Damn Dissidia and Kingdom Hearts. Damn fanfic authors.

But all the same, Cloud was of the belief that things would work out just as well even if he doesn't get involved. Okay, so he really only WANTED to believe it would all work out without him. It's not like his NOT going into Shinra would irrevocably change things so that the threat to the world would become so unstoppable that the world would be doomed without him, right?

...Okay, so it totally would. Shut up.

"Is the world really THAT dependent on me joining Shinra? If you think about it, that's really where things started going wrong. That was kind of how I ended up captured and experimented on for four years, your boyfriend ended up dying, and you ended up sacrificing yourself on a gambit that didn't actually work." Not the way it was supposed to, anyway. "Do you REALLY want to test and see if things will work out better for everyone by doing the exact same thing we tried the first time?"

Now Aerith was looking thoughtful. And perhaps just the slightest bit vindictive. Cloud honestly couldn't be sure, as he had never seen a vindictive Aerith before, and it was slightly disconcerting. Part of him was starting to wonder if he should be worried. "You know, that DOES seem like a bad idea."

The other part was too pleased to really care. Hurray for vindictive Aerith!

"Exactly!" He nodded, jumping on any bit of leeway she was willing to give him on this. "And if you think about it, a good number of the bad things that happened wouldn't have happened if I hadn't been there for them to happen to. So really, I'm actually doing the world a favor by staying out of things."

No, he didn't actually believe this. Not originally. He just wanted to be left alone and figured that things would find a way of working out without him...or the world would be destroyed. Either or. But at least he'd have a few years of peace either way. So at this point, he was using any bit of logic and reasoning he could to win over Aerith so she would let him be. In this case, it meant convincing her that his NOT trying to save the world would actually be what's best for the world.

Cloud knew Aerith. Or at least knew how she would be in the future. She was the last of the Cetra, tied to the planet. If it was in danger, she would do what she could to help it. So he figured that if anyone were to try to convince him to "do the right thing", it would be her, and that she would be a difficult person to persuade that he should stay out of it. Yet despite everything, it looked like she was actually starting to consider it! Maybe finding out about her future death had helped? Or how much the higher powers weren't telling her. Nobody really liked it when the higher powers neglected to mention important facts while expecting compliance from them. True, Cloud hadn't expected that bit of fortune, but given that this was still young Aerith, it stood to reason that she wouldn't be too eager for her imminent demise either way. She wasn't completely on board yet, but at least she wasn't completely against his current goal, either.

"But...what about Shinra?" Aerith asked him, still just a bit hesitant. "They're still ruining the planet and responsible for most of what happens. Shouldn't you...well...stop them?"

Easy for her to say. SHE never had to stay at the cadet dorms. A tent in the wilderness is preferable to THAT place. And he would say trying to eat a Malboro would be better than the food there if it weren't for the fact that they actually had tried to serve one as a meal by mistake once before.

He shuddered. Nope, too many horrible, traumatic memories. He had a hard enough time trying to suppress those enough to be a functional human being, like HELL was he going to actually relive any of it.

Though to be fair, she certainly didn't have an easy time of it, either. Her mother died to get her out of Shinra and away from Hojo's clutches, and even now, she was constantly being monitored by Turks. Oh sure, they acted friendly and seemed to be looking out for her, but the instant they received the order to bring her in, they wouldn't even hesitate. Maybe it wasn't ALL an act. Tseng seemed to genuinely like her. Still didn't stop him from handing her off to the freaky mad scientist in the previous lifetime, though. Or trying to hunt down one of his own friends that he knowingly allowed to be made into an experiment once that friend tried to bust out of said experiment after four years of torture. Freaking tool.

Wait—where was he? Oh, right. Shinra and avoiding them.

"They still have Wutai to deal with. And AVALANCHE was around long before I ever joined them." Though now that he thought about it, he seemed to recall fighting against them at one point while he'd been working for Shinra. "I think I even stopped one of their missions as an infantryman. So this time they might do more damage to Shinra. " Sure, lets go with that. "And besides...do you REALLY want to try having anything to do with them again?"

The disgusted look on Aerith's face answered that question quickly enough.

'Wow. This whole manipulating people thing towards a greater plan is actually easy! And kind of fun...'

What? Please don't give us any dirty looks about this. The guy is wearing green overalls and an oversized straw hat. Nobody would expect him to be a secret magnificent bastard! Half of you would have mistaken him for an innocent and completely harmless teen, and the half that wouldn't would still probably let him ignore the "Plan" anyway simply for the hell of it. Gaia knows the current path certainly looks more interesting than anything the higher powers could come up with. And more fun. And we mean "fun" of the "deviating paths, mind-screwing, causing people to end up doing things completely different from the original" variety.

Good times. Good times...

And speaking of good times...

"Hey," Cloud brightened, suddenly coming up with an idea. "You wanna help me raise Chocobos?"

Aerith blinked, surprised. "What? How?"

But Cloud was onto something, looking more inspired by the idea. "You can grow flowers, right? You could probably grow some of the different greens for them, too. I can even pay you for them. And you'd get to see all the different Chocobos we have, too! Plus I'm going to Gold Saucer...eventually. I can take you there—oh wait." Seeing her frightened look, he backtracked. "You don't like the sky, right? Well, I could bring you back things. It'll be fun! And not suicidal or hazardous to your health! What do you say?"

Now let us remember that the Aerith in the original game was more of a soft, caring, healing type of person. She was kind and gentle, and had that annoying way of getting people to do what she wanted by being...*shudder* NICE to them. She was good at getting her way and determined enough to see any plan through, even if it meant sacrificing herself to save the planet—something she had long been raised and inducted to do when the need arose.

But this is not that Aerith, and now, probably will never be. Not fully. As opposed to Cloud, with a full set of future memories and abilities packed into his pre-teen past body, this Aerith is still past Aerith, with only some snippets of knowledge of her future self. Past Aerith was a friendly person, but still somewhat naive and uncertain of herself. Scared of the sky, of Soldiers, and of the world at large—with good reason, and remained this way up until she met Zack and began to open up more and become strong.

What does that have to do with this? Nothing. Because as most of you have probably been able to tell, this Aerith had not met Zack yet. So she's NOT that strong-willed, matronly girl who would willingly sacrifice her life for the world. She's still young. She's still fairly innocent. And as a still young, still innocent girl, she is still somewhat selfish.

And she just found out, from the very guy that the higher powers sent her to "convince"—by which they really mean manipulate the hell out of—to go along with the Plan to save the world, that said higher powers didn't bother to tell her about her rather needless and very much avoidable death.

Or the future boyfriend, but priorities, people. Priorities. Right now, the horrible yet avoidable death is a bigger one.

So, having just found out about said horrible yet avoidable death waiting in the wings for her that nobody saw fit to warn her about, this Aerith was not feeling particularly kind. Or caring. Or gentle. Or in any way inclined to go through with the higher power's Plan unless it offered some sort of benefits package for the last surviving member of the Ancient/Cetra/planet-speaking people race. And they had better be some damned good benefits, too.

But since there was no mention of any such benefits—or any warning of the imminent demise, which yes, she WAS still VERY much hung up on, thankyouverymuch—this past Aerith was feeling just spiteful enough to go along with the plan—and that's the plan with the lowercase "p" in this instance—that DID.

So, it should be no surprise that her response was to smile back and nod.

"Sure!"

And if her smile was more of a smirk or that twinkle in her eyes appeared a bit more mischievous than innocent, Cloud wasn't going to be the one to comment.

* * *

Now, if anyone were actually bothering to listen to the lifestream or the planes beyond this world, the higher power could have been trying to make the point that the Plan DIDN'T require Aerith to die this time around, and that if Cloud stopped being lazy and started following his destiny, then everything would work out fine and Aerith wouldn't HAVE to die. Unfortunately for the higher power, no one was listening. Which begs the question: if a higher power is ranting on an otherworldly plane that the last Ancient is not bothering to listen to, does it make a sound?

Of course, it doesn't. These are words on a screen.

Angry, it could do little more than watch the two plan out normal and mundane things instead of the epic plots the Plan would require, muttering something about "damn magnificent bastards".

That's when the higher power realized it needed a better backup plan.

Cloud: 1

Fate: 0

* * *

This was the first time ChocoMog had been used for anything outside battle, and even THAT was a rarity. Honestly, he should have read the job description more carefully before agreeing to be a summon in this world. He didn't even get to do that much during the brief times he was called into the middle of a fight, and at most, he would only be called on just often enough for the summoning materia to be completely mastered when it came to the more diligent and hardcore fighters.

Lets face it, there simply wasn't much use for a Moogle and Chocobo tag-team combo in a world that had the friggin King of Dragons, Bahamut, available for on-call. The fact that the world was even still standing given how many Megaflares that thing has used on the Planet is nothing short of confounding. But still, the point remained that when there were bigger, better summons available, no one ever really looked twice at little old Choco and Mog, who sadly, found themselves commonly being left out of the summons' gatherings.

Sure, Choco managed alright for himself. He was a Chocobo and fairly popular, so people still used the birds regularly. But what about poor little Mog? Sure, he was also a ridiculously cute critter, but he just didn't have the same usefulness as a bird that could be used for easier travel. He'd done his best, though, but nothing was ever enough. He'd started off iconic in one world, but was gradually seen as little more than the small annoying creature as time went on, eventually reduced to the role of optional side character and...*shudder* tutorial. Sure, he had a fighting role in Final Fantasy 6, which was pretty great, but even THAT one still cost him. In this case, it was the complete loss of his friends, his family, and all the other Moogles as well, leaving him the last of his kind and completely isolated from all outside contact for a whole year in a ruined world.

Not that he was still horribly traumatized or anything. He was fine, really. His therapist said so!

He was just so happy that someone thought he was useful enough to summon, even if it was something as simple as taking care of Chocobos. Mog didn't mind, though. The Choco half of the summon was a Chocobo, after all, so the Moogle was already rather aware of what care was necessary and well adept at looking after the creatures.

Truth be told, he never actually expected anyone to even consider that possibility.

But the nice spiky-haired blond human did. He summoned them. He offered them both a job. And he was regularly feeding his own magic energy into the materia to let them both stay out continuously. The fact that anyone decided to use their summon at all was enough to make him happy. And a happy Moogle is a loyal and hard-working Moogle. This one did that and more. He gave them a place and a purpose. And let him avoid having to face further ridicule from the other summons.

So, if the kind human wanted him to take care of Chocobos, then gosh darn it all, he was going to be the best Chocobo-caretaker there was!

The VERY best. Like no one ever was!

And nothing would stand in his way!

Eddie stared at the sinisterly cackling Moogle and hoped that Cloud would be back soon. And he couldn't help but wonder, not for the first time, just how he got caught up in this mess. He was just a poor innocent non-important, non-plot relevant OC trapped in an offshoot of a canon existence.

Pray for him, people. Pray for him.

* * *

Personally, I am rather proud of this chapter. It's a bit more serious and complicated than the previous chapter, as Cloud is more genre savvy and manipulative than trying to be adorable, but it's one I feel I could continue with. Both are, actually, but I want to know what you as the readers think. Ah, the benefits of fanfiction and creating alternate storylines.

Involved tropes are as follows:

Genre Savvy – when the character may not know they're in a story, but knows enough about stories like theirs and what does or does not work. AKA: Common sense.

Dangerously Genre Savvy – when the villain is genre savvy enough to avoid the basic villain pitfalls. Like giving the long-winded speech to the hero instead of killing him. Or leaving the hero in an easily escapable death trap instead of killing him immediately. Or waiting for the hero to arrive before completing his master plan so the hero will be in prime position to stop him. AKA: Evil Overlord List/Common sense.

Magnificent Bastard – Zidane pretty much describes it to a T. Basically, a master manipulator—one who plans for just about everything, even the possible attempt by others to counter his plan, and does it with style and class. To the point that this person is a badass, and he knows it. We know it as well, and yet we can't help but love or at least seriously be impressed with him, even if he is an irredeemable asshole.

Posted: December 11, 2011


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